Wednesday, October 22, 2008

The last nail ... an adieu

It's been a journey in the true sense of the word, the last few months that is. During it's course I analysed my own self, understood the dark side that lay within me and worked towards freeing myself from it's clutches. I realised the need to send a facet of my character into hibernation, exile rather. The need arose from a simple revelation that I lacked the strength to uphold any form of new relationships and also that I was extremely vulnerable to making new ones as well. Prevention is better than cure; makes a lot of sense to me now, and hence I embark upon a rather "Long hiatus", where I shall put aside my emotions giving them an ample amount of rest. They have been at work for a really long time now. They need to be rejuvenated and as a prerequisite to that, they need to be rested.
For a long time now emotions have taken the front seat in my life and have modelled my personality in ways they deemed mandatory for being a good individual, a good partner. I guess it's time to put them in the back seat now and let the other side take control till the former gets enervated and the later has set my life on a track where I achieve my professional goals. It is not the end of the road for me or my emotions; just a sabbatical. A forced vacation in order to ensure no more mistakes are made either out of foolishness or weakness. The vacation deems of me to give up the media I have since a long time used for expressing my thoughts, my feelings, my emotions. It is time for me to end this side of my thoughts for a considerable amount of time and that requires of me to end this blog "Aggravatingly contumacious yet serene" right here. hence adieu.
Over the last few months I did make some good friends here in this virtual world, ones who gave me care, affection and more importantly their time. I am thankful to them and the end of the blog shall not have any bearing on that, for I do treasure them. For the other readers, it felt nice to read what all had to say about my thoughts, each one of my writings, which were purely a reflection of events in my life and not a figment of any imagination. Did it fetch me a solace ? No, but it fetched me perspectives and for that I am greatly thankful to all. The cocoon has been formed and hopefully what will hatch will be beautiful. I wish you all smiles in your life.

"Life is beautiful, if you make it for someone...

       Life is full of joys, if you give them to someone...

Life is all you will ever need, 
                              if you make that someone your life..."
                                                                                                                                 
                                                                                                                                   -Siddharth.K.Kaul

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Shadows of my soul descried... part 2


That day he parted ways from her. That day the structure of his strength gave up under fatigue. 5 years had passed since the day he had confessed his love to her, 9 since the day they became friends. He now needed support, having provided that to her for so long.... contd. ...

He had confined himself to his room, with his laptop being his only "Companion". He had friends and friends who were near him and were also very close to him. He had treasured them always and had been there for them. They were there too, always, with their hands extended out for helping him, but he did not ask for it. He did not feel that they would be able to help him. He did not doubt their capability to do it, but just that, having been with them for so long he knew who they were to a great extent and the manner in which they thought/responded over such issues. "Then what is the point in asking them for help when I already know what they have to offer and that I will not be contented with that.",he said to himself. He did not need advice, rather he did not need the generic advice people always gave him because he felt they never really understood anything about him. All he wanted to do now was have some fun in his life, a fun that had evaded him through his late teens and into his very early 20's. Life was taking its toll on him. His room was turning into a place he dreaded, home a not so desired place for him. He was getting tired of hiding his emotions, his state of mind from folks at home. He was slowly getting more and more petrified by the thought of spending time in his room, but still did spend time there as he found nowhere else to go. He would often take his bike out and go to his favorite road in the city, park his bike there and sit on it's footpath,alone, reminiscing about his life's past, looking at his present and wondering about his future. He would prefer often to be on that footpath than his home. 
He had changed his number the day he had parted from her and ensured that she never got it from anyone else either. He knew he could not stabilise if he did not get some time away from her. He needed the time to be strong again and then he could be there as a true friend with her(to be addressed as shadow from now on) forever. A few months passed and life took a new turn has he joined an IT firm in the same city as his home. He was career minded as well and could always keep his own no matter how down he was emotionally. He had learned to not let his emotional life affect his professional one and he often saw it as a gift he had received from the one above. Little did he know that life was going to hurl him into more murky waters soon. Little did he know that he would now drift on a path where he would soon forget to feel any pain of loss and slowly turn into a two faced personality, one who did not care and one who paid the price for the other not caring.

Merely 5 days since he had joined, he made friends with another girl( to be addressed as mishti from now on), they got along with each other like fuel and fire. They started going out, and had fun in each other's company. He intended to have fun and leave it at that and he chose her because he thought she would be the kind of girl who knew how to be in a "No strings attached relationship". Their friendship started growing soon, moving from being a cursory one to a real friendship. They would spend hours on the phone during the night and go to sleep while talking to each other. During the day they would be in the same office and evenings they would roam around outside together. They shared stuff about their lives with each other, though she held back quite a bit, but he knew over time that would be overcome, what he did not know was that one piece of information that was held back should not have been.

Things between them were almost perfect, with neither having to hold back anything or change anything in self for the sake of the other. She brought out the kid inside him, made him a child once again. He was smiling after a long time, he had someone with whom he could be his on self, who liked him for what he was, uninhibited, and also patiently heard him out whenever he was depressed and concerned about shadow. Almost 2 months passed and the time of her birthday came, and it was then that he fund from her that she already had a person in her life. He was taken back a little bit, but overcame it and maintained things with her. He was angered by the fact that she held back something so important from him. He was not inclined towards befriending girls with partners at that point in time. The reason being some cases where girls had actually become close to him, while he still maintained friendship. Maybe it was his absolute free nature or maybe something else but he always had a close shave and had managed to maintain a very good friendship with them and not hurt them. With a girl who already had a boy friend he knew things could get more complicated. He gave the whole thing a lot of thought and over few days realised that he was falling in love with her slowly and she was getting closer and closer to him as well. A few weeks after her b'day he left the firm to join another one in the same city, but their friendship continued till one day he decided to put a period to it. She came to meet him on the same road he liked and now even was her favorite. She was not aware of the turbulence in his mind and was left shocked at his act of severance, which came out of the blue.

A month passed from that day and he heard news about her not being well and an accident. He tried enquiring about her health, and respond she did. She demanded an explanation from him and asked him to meet her. They met in a secluded place where there would be no one who knew them, nor anyone to witness what could be an emotional outburst of an individual. She questioned his right to make an independent decision that involved the two of them. She asked him what he knew about what she had for him and how could he make assumptions. He told her his reasons and she told him that she could take care of their friendship and that such an act was uncalled for. He asked her,ifshe could really handle it and that he was into it and now and it would get difficult for him to be unbiased and unselfish. She assured him of it and they started again on a path of uncertainties. That day, his act of giving her control over his decision was the the second mistake of his life.

As time passed she could not control things as she started falling in love with him, till one day she was in love with him.This love of her though turned into a bane for her as she was now grilled by her own conscience for being in a place where she was involved with two people and further caught between the dilemma of " whom to hurt?". He understood her situation and often told her that she needed to decide and decide soon. He told him that if she left him then she could go back to being with her old one and not let him know what happened and ensure nothing ever happens again. The second option was for her to let her old boy friend now what has happened and call it quits. He told her often that she needed to pick between the two of them and often sat with her trying to help her find who would be the right one for her, trying to help her know if she really loved him or was it a mere crush. She was turning into a wreck from within and he saw that in her and told her to be quick in her decision making as it would only worsen things. This was the time where he was questioned by his own conscience. He had intruded another relationship and caused cracks in it, he had rattled the foundations of that one and he knew he was responsible for it. He knew all along he should not have resumed the journey with her, but he had. Maybe he was too weak to follow the right path or maybe he was too selfish. Either ways, the damage was done.

Time passed and then came a day where her boy friend found out what was between them by going through their chat conversations,and he too was broken. He loved her dearly and had never seen anyone else in his life. He depended on her, she was his strength. He had given a lot for her, been through a lot with her. She had always helped him had always been there for him as well. They were in love and now he knew that she was in love with someone else too. She was left between two people, both loved her, both ready to abide by her decision for her happiness without questions asked. As fate would have it, things only became more difficult because of that.There was a difference though, her old boyfriend had a condition that she should completely forget the other guy if she has to come back to him, while the later did not have such conditions. He always knew that she could never forget her first love. Things became complicated to an extent that everything seemed hopeless. Then came a day where he decided to end it and go out of her life. 

He knew that she knew that he would take care of himself and would not let his life get wrecked. She knew that he would be emotionally wrecked but he would take care of his career and his family and would later if not sooner find someone else who would take better care of him, probably. He knew that this was the very reason that would provide her strength to move away from him and go back to her old liaison. She told him,"The first time I asked you to come back, because I thought it would be good for me, Today I ask you to go because it will be good for you. I am sorry I brought this on you. I am sorry I wrecked both your lives.". their relationship ended on a not so sweet note but the emotion stayed on.She carried on with her struggle, trying to answer her conscience and punished herself to a life devoid of love. He changed jobs again, this time he moved into entrepreneurship and the time on his hands to think about his life reduced.He had started talking to shadows since a long time now as with mishti he had found strength again, but when she left he lost both his strength and his weakness. The second face of his character, the one who did not care took control of his life and he marched on towards fulfilling his materialistic dreams. His second face always had a smile, was successful, had many "friends", had a large social circle. His first one, his identity was subdued and suppressed, given a chance to come out occasionally when he had nothing to do with his life. He had closed doors to both friends and relationships. His first face was moving into hibernation. Slowly he was ensuring he was left only with one face, the second one, as he at least found momentary happiness in it. He knew it would be a shallow life, but he did not seek a deep one as the depths often culminated into abyss for him. He knew none would understand that, what ailed him was not that he could not have a relationship with those he loved, but the fact that those for whom he had the emotion of love were not happy, and it was their happiness that would redeem him, not apologies not forgiveness, their happiness alone would do it. For a relationships pyre does not burn the emotion out, like a body on a pyre is burned but its soul is left out.
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People often do not understand the difference between an Emotion and a Relationship. Love is an emotion that underlies relationships like "Mother-Son", "Father-Son", "Brother-sister", "two Friends", "Two lovers" etc.. It is the relationship that defines the limits of this emotion and its rules. An emotion has no rules, it does not see reason. It cannot see reason, that's why it is an emotion. A relationship requires reason, it requires rules, it requires a give and take equation, it needs compromises and adjustments but an emotion is free from all that. You love someone, you always love them, what changes is your relationship with them. Moving on is a term very often used, but people don't understand that it is applicable in relationships not emotions. Who says you cannot love more than one person? even if at the same time ? It is the relationship that you cannot have with two at the same time, where we go wrong is in setting those limits , defining those relationships. Every person for whom we have an emotion, has a distinct and equal place in our heart. It is the relationship title that adds the priority to them,  not the intensity of the emotion. This is what I have come to learn and believe over the course of my life. This ends the short story. A few wanted a happy ending.. I am sorry .. but this piece was not intended to be a romantic fiction, nor an outburst, rather a platform to convey that sometimes, no matter how sensible and mature we are, we make mistakes and as humans that is quite normal. What differentiates us is how we react to them, he we move on from them. Love is blind, the relationship is not. Many miss out on such things because of small or petty issues an the few who know how to conquer these issues often land up loosing the battle to fate. He knew the value of relationships and emotions yet lost them, but If you haven't lost it yet then please understand what it can mean, what it does mean and then see that you do not loose it. 





Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Shadows of my soul descried... part 1

They had been very good friends for the last 3 years now and were only getting closer with every passing moment. Spending hours talking to each other on the phone was now a daily activity for them, a part of their routine. Ah! Those were the days of their sweet 16. Life seemed beautiful, almost perfect while they were making conversation. There was a certain innocence to it, the innocence of two 13 year olds who started on the path of being each other’s trusted companion, friend. It was the 5th of September 2002, almost 4 years since they had been friends, when he told her that her smile brought him peace like nothing else in this world and that he wanted to be with her, to make her smile, have his peace for eternity. “What?” was the reply that came and she kept the phone down telling him she needed some time. He was taken aback at what had happened and also agitated about it. She had been his friend, she had been the one who had changed him, taught him how to make friends, made him give up his hooligan ways, toned down his temper; she had made him a better man. He could feel the rush of emotions in his veins causing his hands to shiver. He waited for her call, with a plethora of thoughts at the back of his mind and emotions in his heart. After an hour she called.

 

“I am sorry for this. This should not have happened. I am really sorry. It won’t work out, our families, it will be very difficult. Please understand we belong to different religions and people from your side of the family have a lot of contempt and hatred towards people from my religion.” He told her that was secondary and could be taken care of and that all he wanted to know was if she loved him too, and would she be with him for his life. “Do you think your family will accept me? Do you think we will be able to make it? I want to be with you, but will it be possible? Please give it a lot of thought and let me know.” The conversation ended on that note, and he was left to think about all the questions she asked and ponder over them, he did not. He was blinded by his desire to be with her for his life and thought he would conquer all. He let his judgment be clouded by his greed for her and did not consider the impediments that would lie on their way. The time was the time to decide, because from there on their relationship would only grow deeper. It would no longer be friendship, it would turn into love and turning back from that would be harder. He brushed all these thoughts aside and convinced her that everything would be fine and they would make it together. There he made his first mistake, which would later on come back to haunt him. She had been an emotionally weak person and he set in motion a sequence of events that would culminate into a major emotional blow to her. He did not consider that. All that was in his mind was the aim to be with her for his life.

 

Times soon became rough for them and they were not able to talk to each other frequently and pretty soon came the time where he had to move to a different place for his studies. When he did, life became hell. They hardly could speak to each other, once or twice in 4-5 months. She was under a lot of stress as the matrimonial process had been initiated for her at the mere age of 17. He knew she needed him, but could not reach out to her as her freedom was restricted at her home. He spoke to his father about them, who was willing to help them out and soon became the best friend of their relationship. They met 3 times in the last 4 years of their relationship and spoke on maybe 19 20 occasions. Their love for each other had grown beyond limits, grown free from the pain of separation/long distance relationship. Maybe that I what meant to be “Soul mates”. It did not matter to him now, whether they would be with each other or not. What mattered to him was to see a smile on her face, that very smile which reflected in her eyes, which brought him peace. Then one day she called and told him that she was going to get married and wanted to meet him asap. He took the help of his friends to plan a school reunion, for making available to her a reason to move out of her house and thereby meet him. It was the last time they would meet. She asked him not to involve his father and that she would go ahead with it. She knew that her entering his life as his wife would cause a lot many of his relations to disown him, and she did not want that for him. She entered hell, leaving him behind. She paid the greater price as she did not get the one thing he got. Time to heal.

 

He looked back at the time when he had to make a choice, where he was given the same situation and he had decided something else. He held her face that day in his hands while she was crying, wiping them off her. This was the same girl whose smile could tranquilise him and today she was crying in his hands. His heart was sinking under the tears of his own eyes, as he did not let them out. He had to be strong for her. He decided that day to be there for her, even if their relationship would have a change of name to friendship. He decide to be her anchor, see that she stabilizes and finds some form of happiness in her married life. Fate can be cold, stone hearted and cruel to some unfortunate souls. Happiness eluded her, as she was now tied to someone who did not care much for her and thought of her as an object of pleasure for him and comfort for his family. She would rarely talk to him, telling him about the injustices being meted out to her and he would patiently listen and try to soothe her. He would advise her to keep her cool and work on it as it was a new relationship and it would take time. She would hear him and promise to act on it. They never crossed the line of friendship since the day she tied the knot, not even in their words. Then one day she told him that she was pregnant. He was taken aback. She was just 20. Things got tougher for her as the environment at her home was not conducive for her and she had complications in her pregnancy which used to constantly cause her lot of physical pain. He stood by her through all her turmoil, hoping that the new light in her life would usher in happiness and he would find his peace. The light came and it was a beautiful boy. He was happy for her and now hoped to see her smile soon. Smile she did a little, the first time she spoke to him, months after her delivery. While they spoke, he heard her baby cry and something within him snapped. His internal world came crashing around those cries. That day he parted ways from her. That day the structure of his strength gave up under fatigue. 5 years had passed since the day he had confessed his love to her, 9 since the day they became friends. He now needed support, having provided that to her for so long…

 

He started to look for that support, hoping it would bring him some joy and there entered a ray of hope in his life. Little did he know then that what was to come would only add to his agony, would put him on the path of his second blunder…. To be contd…

 

My second attempt at writing a short story.This story will have two parts pertaining to the two incidents/people/emotions that haunt him and the second story will end with what he seeks for his redemption.

 

Saturday, October 04, 2008

Descrying the shadows of my soul..


Why is it said,"To err is human" ? Is it intended to give you a licence to commit mistakes,to take steps that lead to disasters ? We come across crossroads so many times in our lives and we always without exception know what is the right path,yet many a times we refrain from treading on it. The reasons can be many.They can be of avarice,of vanity,of weakness,of ego,of sheer lack of courage and pure selfishness. If you do not fall in this category and always choose the right path, I salute you, no sarcasm intended.I for one,do not.Period.

Why do I not? That is the question that has been plaguing me for so long now and I am yet to find an answer for it. I have often had sessions of introspection and yet have failed to construe the nature of my acts,the actuators behind them. I consider myself to be sane,mature and sensible and believe that I can think in a very resolved manner.Yet, I make mistakes, and I make them in no ignorance whatsoever. I portray myself to be a man of his principles and yet sometimes I have not acted by them. I hate hypocrites and yet I am one myself. Sordid? Yes it is. Does regretting those decisions and punishing myself for having taken them or publicly acknowledging my fault free me of my guilt? Does it lift a load of my heart? Does it purge my conscience? Does it undo what has been done? 

Then what does moving on mean in my life? What is it supposed to bring me? A false sense of satisfaction? Am I supposed to lie to my own self and live in a disbelief that I have been exonerated by my conscience? Am I supposed to revel under the fact that,those against whom I committed these sins never held me culpable? Does not being arraigned mean I am not guilty? Does the fact that the people i sinned against were my accomplice, reduce the burden? Lessen the sin? If no, then why is it that people tell me that,"You did not force it on her.You both wanted it, so what happened is not your fault alone."? Agreed, the decision was mutual, but where was my sense of arbitration? Where was my strength of treading on the right path? Who am I? Aspiring to be the perfect partner,how could I let myself be weak?Who am I ? A hypocrite? A selfish bastard? A pig??

I do not believe in things like moral victory and "at least you tried!". What are they? Explanations for my failure,for my weakness?We are supposed to learn from our mistakes as human beings,yet I committed the same blunder twice!! Am I even a human with common sense? I know what I am. I am just a sorry piece of work, who does not have it in him to practice what he preaches when he is put to test.Disgusting,it is and the fact that I live with it and carry on with everything else in my life as if nothing has happened... exasperating. Tell me, how does one find respite? How does one maintain his INTEGRITY? How does one look at himself without any feeling of shame in the mirror?Where do I find peace?

Those who know me and those who loved me (read the one's I pushed in to misery) always said that it was not my fault and I did what most of them would never have done and that in itself was great,righteous! Tell me,please,what did I do all that for? To show the world I am righteous? Who am I living for here? You,who are my friend,or You , who are my kith and kin, or maybe You,the one I love? I did it for myself and it is to self that I have to answer for my faults.

"You were only 15 years old!" What has age got to do with the fact that I let selfish desire to cloud my judgment ? Tell me, what has it got to do with my inadequacy?"You were weak then,already shattered and things just happened.It is understandable that you were not strong enough to take the right decision and even she tagged along out of her own will!!". Tell me, how is my weakness an explanation justifying my act? How does it justify me wrecking someone else's life,even if it was not intended? I was not 15 then! Please tell me,where do I find solace when I stand arraigned in my own court and judged guilty by my own soul? Where? and then Do you really think I deserve it? Do you really think I can trust myself to make the right decision the next time? To be sure of the fact that I wont wreck another life? Tell me, how do you expect me to risk another life? Why don't you understand that it is not I alone who suffers because of my weakness? Why ? Why ? WHY?
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There hasn't been a single dear friend of mine, nor the ones who loved me deeply, to claim that they understand me,my inner thoughts and what I am. This post raises questions but they are rhetorical. I have never ever been blamed by anyone for the actions of mine I deemed wrong.In fact many did not even find them to be wrong and always told me that I was too concerned. I should move on. To them out there who care so much for me,I know you care and I don't say you are wrong. All I say is, You are not me? It is not my image in your eyes that gives me satisfaction or peace, though it matters. At the end of the day, it is me and my conscience alone that can decide for me whether what I did was right or wrong? Please try to understand this.Do not think that I do not value your advice or do not care for it.It is just that,they do not bring me the solace you intend them to bring me. It is I who decide whether my sins are worth the price I am ready to pay for them...

Thursday, October 02, 2008

A widows plight...

It was a moment of great loss,her life filled with despair
He had departed from this realm,leaving behind an heir
The sindoor had been wiped off her,left was a pallid face..
while she could still feel his touch,his comforting embrace..

Her bangles were broken, but her tears were not wiped
she was stripped of all ornaments,while none saw the way she cried..
they made her don bleached apparels, immaculately white..
Tried to hide the darkness of her life under a garb, bright

A few days gone, the poor widow was made outcast..
cited as a bad omen, one under whose spell a life did not last..
She had refused the pyre, considering the future of her child..
Judging her act as selfish, the harsh society riled..

The caretakers of society failed to see her misery,her pain..
she appealed to the lords of the place for help,but in vain..
She had faith in humanity,lost belief in her being human,
In response to her cries and pleas for help,had responded none ...

Many sought her body,some laid eyes on her children too,
They deemed her fit for prostitution,and her children too
they romped her and her children,judged that to be her life..
For she was held responsible for the natural end of a healthy life..

Once in a while a benign hand reached out,only to be cut
How dare they break society's TRADITIONS, question the cult.
How dare they think of themselves to be more righteous,more humane
how dare they question our laws,brand our practices inhumane...

The poor woman died one day, and not a single soul cried..
she was already dead for the "society", civilisation's greatest pride..
Justice was blind to be righteous,but they turned it into her bane..
Where was the mercy,the kindness they preaced,where has it waned ???

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A widow... a woman who has lot her husband, her lover, the father to her children, her soul mate.. a woman who is emotionally wrecked .. and how is she treated by this cultured society..?? Made to give up all happiness and anything that could bring her a mere smile ??
How is her agony reduced ?? by treating her with such cruelty and discrimination that she becomes immune to it ?? I ask of the vanguards of our society .. where is thy humanity ..?Where is thy kindness.. to hell with thy ... where is your COMMON SENSE ???





Monday, September 29, 2008

All you do is talk all the way...

All you do is talk all the way...

You consider it a liability, object to be given away
make of it a burden,endorse it for just the right price,
wanting to shrug it off your shoulders,put it on display..
If the market is low, to dispose off,schemes you devise..

You make her a commodity,market her countenance
treat her inferior,land a blow to her self confidence..
take her for granted,make her pay for her acquiescence
do not see the love for you, exploit her patience..

You buy her for a paltry amount,redefine her identity
she holds on to you,while you destroy her individuality..
she takes care of you, your whims fancies and family..
she gives you the greatest joy,blesses your life with her progeny

She is the victim of your amorous desires,your brutality
you dismiss her opinions, thinking of them as only bumpkinly..
you fail to feel her pain, also add to it with your infidelity
deem her unequal,yet take pride in your child, her entity..!

Some of you are low life, deemed to be insane..
you use her, weather her out, then show disdain..
Humanity is far dead,you find a friend in propane..
she burns out in agony, cries but yet does not complain...

Today you raise hue and cry, over a skirt that's high
you sight it as heresy, even brand it blasphemy..
you show concern over her honour? What a lie !
you claim to respect her and brand her desire to be free as mutiny !!!

You christen her as a goddess, preach about her holiness
yet you  pay for romping her,crushing her flower,her purity..
you take from her love,pleasure,peace,joy and her kindness..
in return offer afflictions,impediments,cruelty;push her into obscurity...

I hear you talk today,I hear you talk about her..
I hear you preach, preach about what disrespects her...
I see you enforce rules, how one should be around her..
I see YOU call my intentions unholy, what one should feel for her ... 
I see you,the undercover pimp, telling me how one should live with her...
I know what lies underneath that garb, why you have donned them..
I do not care for you, who are you to dictate terms anyway...
I know you intend no good,All you do is talk all the way...
who are you to  decide my life,it's price,it's worth,it's duration
it's joys,it's freedom,it's dreams,it's goals..my ambition...??
Who are you,All you do is talk all the way...
How does your talking matter to me anyway ??

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The post comes as the outburst of a girl who has the spirit within her to fight this cruel world. People often talk about culture nudity, sex etc .. w.r.t the honour of the girl in our society ..!!! Nothing against that but what I wonder is ...? Is that all that defines respect,honour and pride of a woman ?? the purity of her body, her virginity ..??? In a society dominated by men and ill treated women ... I think it does ... and there in lies mans greatest hypocrisy...

The more I have lived in this world, the more I have come across incidents of atrocities on women/friends and I could not help but feel pain,disgust and helplessness... Why helplessness ??? Because i realised that even though I do not tread on the path, I will not be able to stop those along with me from treading on it ....  Burning brides, throwing acid on the face , treating them as slaves .. AMPUTATING not only their bodies .. but also their SOULS ...!!
I rarely express such views, If you ask me why .. I would not be able to give a convincing answer .. but I guess I should start maybe I change someones thinking and make them realise what they really are and hope that they change ... maybe when someones post affects me i should not stay quiet .. I should go ahead and further corroborate that post and support the cause
so this was the first attempt on that line ... 




Friday, September 26, 2008

Live Today.. not yesterday or tomorrow...

The following lines are inspired from a small piece I read on Akshaya's blog. 

I lived today .. like everyday ...
but life seemed to be better yesterday ..
I thought of living the future in a better way...
not happy with what had become of me today ...
I lay desolate,waiting for the end of the day ..
the clock stopped ticking ... and i lost track of today ....
time passed,  kept me unaware, at bay ....
Another day turned wretched when tomorrow replaced today
For I was still waiting unaware, for the end of MY TODAY

Ok.. I confess I am also a plagiarist. The concept was stolen from a dialogue in the Movie Kung-fu Panda.

The teacher says :" You are too concerned with what was and what will be. There is a saying,"yesterday is history,tomorrow is a mystery but today is a GIFt, that is why it's called the PRESENT" . Sorrow and pain are as much a part of life as happiness and love. The present is nothing but a culmination of the actions performed by me in the past and the aspirations I hold for the future,but in all this I tend to forget that there is one other thing, which when added fully completes the present. It is the moment itself  and how I live it. I have come to see them as different beings, each moment of my life that is, and I am their creator, their God. Then to make one of my creations pay for the other's fault or sorrow ? How can I let that happen? We have enough bad times in our lives, I am going to try to not create some more for myself by forgetting to live every moment in the present... What about you ????

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

What good a life ?, If filled with regrets.



These lines are a letter of advice to me by my dear father. I am attempting a translation here for the few readers of mine who do not understand Hindi. though this time it is just a translation in the form of a paragraph.. rather the gist of what has been conveyed above..
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dil ki baat waqt pe suno ...
(hear the voice of your heart at the right time)

Na karo dil se gila,
dil ka kya kasoor hai
Zamaane ke dastur mein
dil ka kahaan milaap hai!
Na suni dil ki baat
saath zamaane ke ho liye
zamaana kahin bichchad gaya
bus dil dhadaktaa reh gaya!
Dhadkane na suni maine phir bhi
zamaane ke khayaal mein, par
zamaana bekhayaal tha,
dil kahte kahte thak gaya!
Gair ke sawaal par
khud ko ansunaa kar diya
zamaane ke khayal se
dil ko rusva kar diya!
Waqt aise hi gujar gaya
aur zamaana badal gayaa
par, dil waise hi dhadak rahaa thaa
jaise phir mujhse kuch keh raha thaa!
Kyaa suntaa mai ab dil ki sada
waqt bahut nikal gaya thaa
zamaane ke khayaal mein mai
khud se be-khayaal ho gaya thaa !
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Do not blame your heart,what wrong has it done?When was it bound by the world, when did it adhere to it's conditions? Ignoring your heart, you tagged along with the world, a world which soon sailed adrift, leaving you with only your beating heart.Yet you did not feel the pulse of your heart,numbed by the desire to have the world's approval. "Alas! the world is not concerned", cried out your heart relentlessly, yet for the fear of what others would say, you shunned your own heart.For the sake of acceptance in the world you drove away from your heart.Time however passed,the world changed and you were still there in anticipation of others approval,only you were now wasted,weathered and tired.Now you started feeling a slight pulse and soon you could hear your heart loud and clear.It made sense to you,but it was too late,a lot of time had passed.In the quest of appeasing the world, your own identity,you had lost....

These lines convey a very simple yet a very often neglected point. We always come across crossroads in our life, where we have to make decisions based on either what we believe, our principles, our individuality and the world's outlook. I am not going to tread on which of the two is right. Whatever decision we take, should be made keeping in mind that later in our life we do not regret having done it.Today if we make a sacrifice for someone else, make it only if you are really a kind of a person who can bear pain with a smile for the sake of someone else.. Do not do it just for the sake of being considered great and kind.. For if your actions are not governed by who you are and what you believe in, you will lead a life filled with regrets .. and what good a life , what contending a life, how FULFILLING a life, if it is full of regrets..... 






Friday, September 19, 2008

Ek dua hai ....(a prayer is all that's left)

yet another translation of a poem i wrote 3 years back ... as usual its nt better than the original .. I have tried to maintain the intensity .. don't know how far i succeeded...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I know not from where it comes,that which ails my heart..
I see no end to it,every passing moment further burdens my heart
the ground beneath seems to quiver,protagonist of my life has waned ...
the pot house fails to intoxicate me, my heart' cup lies broken, drained..

the objects of my eye's desires,rendered asunder by the flowing tears...
in shambles lie my hearts aspirations, lively no more,mere souvenirs
the carnivals in the skies have gone numb,a deafening silence fills the night...
the tales of my love now no longer blossom,darkness has killed the light 

Life's burning into nothing,ashes fly and flames rise as the harsh winds blow
the cosy warmth of my breath is frozen,the carcass of my heart is what glows..
my identity's lost,the shadows of the past usher in stealing the light of the day...
desolate,a prayer for her happiness is all that's left of me and my pain today.....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

EK DUA HAI....

Ajab yeh dil ki ranjishein hain...
na jaane kahaan strotra inka !
nahin bharta ji ab maikadoon se,
paimana khali pada hai dil ka.
Guzarte hue pal lagte hain bhari,
Jeevan ke safar ka anth nahin dikhta.
Kadmoon ke neeche rahein dagmaga rahi,
Apne saaki ka sahaara bhi nahin milta.
Aankhoon mein kashishoon ke ghere,
aansoon ban ab beh rahe hain...
Mann ki khwahishoon ke aashiyaane,
Jaane kahaan kho gaye hain...
Gardishoon mein chaye wo taaaron ke mele,
Sannate ki chadhar odhe gum ho gaye hain...
Meri ulfat ke wo rangeen afsane,
simat ke barkha mein murjha rahe hain...
Sulagte mere is jeevan ki...
ab raakhein udhne lagi hain...
Sard aahoon ki thithur mein
vo namm hone chale hain...
Saanson mein basi narm garmaahat,
ab khud mein bujhne lagi hai...
Rosandaanoon ke ujaaloon mein,
door tak andhere chaane lage hain...
Mere ateet ki parchaie mein,
ab merawajood mitne laga hai...
Mere dard min ab jo reh gaya hai baki,
wo sirf mere yaar ki salaamati ki 
ek dua hai......
 









Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Kaise main kahoon unse, tu mere liye kya hai.....(How do I put in words to them, what you mean to me...)

The poem below was written on 8th-Aug-2003 while i was in the train on my way to my University.It was the first time i was going there.
The poem is in hindi followed by a transliteration which will not be an exact one , for those who do not understand hindi...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Kaise main kahoon unse, tu mere liye kya hai.....

Kaise main kahoon unse, tu mere liye kya hai.....

ek jalti hui lou, mehakane waali pavan,jeevan ki umang,asha ki tarang,
har dhadakne waali dhadkan ka karan, har khwahish har dua hai...
kaanton bhari sej,paon ke neeche bichi hui jalti raet,aansuoon ka umadata hua sailaab,
ek murjhayee hui aarzoo,ek sisakti hui just-a-joo,ek adhhori daastaan bhi tu hi hai...
Kaise main kahoon unse, tu mere liye kya hai.....

meri aankhoon ka noor,mere jeevan ka tassavur, man ki her ek aah,
meri zindagi ka ahem lakshya,mere jeene ki sada,meri prerna hai ..
ek pal bhar ka khwaab,bujhta hua chirag,ek tadap, ek aisi lalsa hai,
Jo bujhti nahin, thamti nahin, lakh jatan ke baad bhi,puri hoti nahin..
Kaise main kahoon unse, tu mere liye kya hai.....

Kaise main kahoon unse, tu mere liye kya hai.....

mere jeene ka kaaran,ya uske anth ka farmaan hai,ek aisi manzil,
jiski raah jeevan mein gunjaye maut ka aaghaaz ..bhi tu hi hai..
mere dard ka marham hai tu,aur khud hi dard beshumaar hai...
Kaise main kahoon unse, tu mere liye kya hai.....

Kaise main kahoon unse, tu mere liye kya hai.....

meri aastha meri tapas, meri khwahishoon ka mukaam hai,
vo aakhri aarzoo,vo nasha, vo ulfat hai ...jiska tu hi anjaam hai ..
Kaise main kahoon unse, tu mere liye kya hai.....

Ki duniya kabhi jaan na paai,kabhi samajh na pai;mera wajood hai tu...
ab paal raha hoon jis nasoor ko seene mein, ek aisi  dhadkan hai tu...
Ki dard teri judaai ka peete rehte hain.pyala khali hota nahin...
Ret samaan ungliyon se fisal rahi hai tu,tadap bhi meethi lagne lagi hai ab,
honthoon ko choone se pehle hi saki ke, chalak jaata hai pyaala khushi ke jaam ka...
tere se gila kaise karein...saki hamari tu jo nahin, sirf teri ek tasveer hai ...

Kaise main kahoon unse, tu mere liye kya hai.....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If people ask me does it pain .. I will say  yes it does...
If people ask me do I regret the pain .. I will say i don't...
Maybe I love the pain as well .. maybe love is not about good memories only .. maybe love is about the pain as well ..
it is about the bonding as much as it is abot the separation...
 that was the main theme behind this one .. and what is below is just a translation .. which I find to be pretty rubbish ... I guess found it too difficult to translate this one .... 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How do I put in words to them, what you mean to me...

The flame that ignites my passion,a fragrane that fills the air,
my inspiration to live, my hope,you are the music in my life..
a bed of thorns, an interred emotion, a suppressed storm,
an unfulfilled solicitude,you are an incomplete story of my life..

How do I put in words to them, what you mean to me...
the radiance that lights my world,my life's snap,every thought of my mind,
you are the sole ambition, desire and inspiration that fills my life..
An ephemeral dream, a dimming lamp; an incinerating need,
consuming me,ushering in ashes of tempered dreams,making them rife

How do I put in words to them, what you mean to me...
you are why I wish to live,you are also why I slowly die
You are eternity but roads leading to you,under the watch of doom's eye..
your faith is what heals me,but the pain during the cure also takes my life...
an embodiment of my devotion,my penance, my prayers
you are the end to my means,my love,my last desire...

How do I put in words to them, what you mean to me...
The world could never comprehend,could never decipher; you are my identity
you are the breath that I rear,even though it's a canker in my heart..
I keep drinking from the cup of pain,but there seems no end to it..
only sand is left in my fingers,you are gone, and the pain feels sweet..

How do I put in words to them, what you mean to me...
the nectar of joy splashes of from my cup,while i "cheers" with you..
lips are left dry in anticipation..but can I complain.. ?
for my companion is just a picture of you....
 
















Sunday, September 14, 2008

Descrying the Shadows....


It had been a good Saturday for him, the meeting had gone well in the afternoon.Towards the evening he saw the two movies he had been waiting for since a long time.He always loved "Al Pacino", a big fan of his,he could watch any of his movies any number of times.It was around 1 am when he came out of the theatre.Bidding adieu to his friend he walked towards his other "love",his Karizma.There was a very pleasant breeze blowing carrying the smell of the land whose thirst had been quenched by the rains.He loved that smell,and the fact that he would now go for a long drive gave him joy.The joy though was not fulfilling,something was growing within him, making his heart heavy.He was trying to shrug it off,but it clanged on making him worse and worse.
He reached home after having covered 35 Kms in 27 minutes on his bike.He parked his bike slowly inside his house ensuring he did not disturb his parents who were asleep and went upstairs to his room,his room.. a place he dreaded, the thought of him having to spend time in it itself made him feel like crying, but crying was something he had forgotten to do for many months now.No,it was not that he did not cry, he did ,but within his heart,struggling to force the tears out,but they refused.They had dried up or rather had seeped deep into the abyss of his heart.As he opened the door and walked in,he lay his eyes on his saviour, his laptop!

He had over the last two years managed to use it as an instrument to handle himself,his emotions,his crazy thoughts.He managed to suppress them all by finding something or the other on his laptop to do,to keep his mind distracted,to keep his lighter side active,switched on.The two sides of him,the two faces, each meant to handle different facets of his life.He had created the lighter one to be able to pursue his career interests,he modelled it to have no space for emotions,no sentimental memories,no desirable human attribute in it,he had modelled it to be like a program which worked based on a set of given principles,inputs and parameters.He had created it ,to enforce a very fragile balance in his life,to wane out the influence of is "Darker side".

To his dismay he found that the net connection had been disconnected and due to the Ganesh procession the service would be down for another 24 hrs. TWENTY FOUR HOURS !!! he said to himself, as fear started to grip his heart again, bringing to surface the darker side.He lay down on his bed,facing the window through which he could see the stars and the friend who had been with him,through all that he had faced in his life, from the first day .There was something about his friend that he liked since he was 13 years old,he never could find out what it was. He couldn't care less as long as they, his dark side and his friend, were friends. He and his friend... THE ORION.

As the night progressed, the dark side had completely emerged and was in unison with the Orion.His past flashed in front of his eyes as a sequence of various instances being displayed so fast,that they seemed to be in motion.He remembered the first time he had read the phrase "Business Tycoon" in class 3 and how it had fascinated him ever since, sowing the seeds of his desire to be one someday.He always had faith in God and maybe it was his faith, or his intuition, or maybe his sixth sense, or maybe the fact that every horoscope reader, palmist and family guru predicted the same,that he believed he would achieve it.His faith had not been compromised.After graduation he immediately got an offer from a firm where he entered the field of Investment banking,learning about various markets along with some coding, but that he did not mind.He soon was recognised for his aptitude in the Field,his work being appreciated and duly rewarded within 4 months, in the form of a hike.Life was good,and then got even better with an offer from an ex-manager for joining his firm as a business consultant and a share in the revenues..He was almost a partner,already on the path to be an entrepreneur..! Life had rewarded him generously by giving him opportunities,surrounding him with great people who approved of him,recognised some skill in him.He had not been the "hard working" guy .. never,not in his studies,nor in his job, in nothing..though in his job he managed to do well without working hard,things there naturally came to him.

As he kept staring at the Orion, his heart reached out for him and cried out.."I don't want it! none of it! I can give it all up! I don't want to pay the price you have been charging me with. Please let me have my serenity in the future at least....I want my sanity,my innocence,my purity back. Give it back, give it back,back....".It was at that moment that he closed his eyes and saw the flashes of his past, the past of his darker side....... He saw all the efforts he had put in trying to descry the shadows, the mystery behind why the exist only when there is light? In trying to find an answer to why he had loved them ... why he loved even the pain he suffered for them ...Why they found serenity in him?, why he could not don his  contumacious, aggravating garb in front of them..? Why when he believed that people only made an opinion of someone based on what he/she show them to the world,did he show them his real side... Why when he truly loved them,did his fate not comply....???

All of a sudden amidst the flurry of questions, a picture of the center table whose broken corner stood as the momento of his anger flashed. He had punched it with his fists out of anger on his mom,.The redness on his knuckles was still there and a slight tinge of pain too.He saw what he was turning into.He saw how slowly he was distancing himself from the 8 people who were his close friends.How he was getting into more cursory friendships,with no personal strings attached.He saw how e was shying away from spending time with his own parents... He saw how he was loosing all he valued because of the rage that seethed within him,the anger that surfaced only in font of his loved ones,his parents.He saw the shame and the pain he felt after each outburst... and more so the pain he caused to them...He had always apologised afterwards...but that was never enough for his conscience.He saw how people at his work had liked him and often called him out,made him a member of their circle,even though he was 5 6 years younger to them... and he saw how he never got worked up with them...

That night he apologised to his friend and those whom he had hurt.. He apologised to his first love saying 
"I know you never held me responsible for anything, neither did the world, instead you have often thanked me for the way I have been there for you and so has the world .. but at the end of the day, I know i could not fulfil my promise could not conquer your fate, could not make true the dreams you saw for us... Everything else are only reparations, but you know as much as I, even if i paid them my whole life,they don't undo the damage that has been done...For the 8 years we spent in love and the next 2 as friends, I could manage to see you only 4 times in the last 6 years, and talk a few more times... I could not be there for you even as an ear, when you went through the most painful times... and I am sorry i could not fight all odds for you ..."

His eyes opened for a while and he saw his friend shifting towards the horizon and before he would leave he closed his eyes again..and begged forgiveness from his second love..
" Peach, you always told me that you loved me and will continue to do so,you told me to leave you for my good, you told me that I was not responsible for what happened and it was you who made the mistake... but I know i was at fault too.. I failed to be strong,failed to overcome my weakness and do the right thing at the right time.. I can't give that as an excuse to you ... so what if you made a mistake, why did i let you ... if i loved you ... and there lies my fallacy .. there in my crime... i self arraign myself ... judge guilty as charged... I can't even apologise to you .... I could have averted it all, all i needed to be was strong and I failed to be that and for that reason.... i don't deserve it anymore... for i was not able to fulfil the meaning of love .... I know you will always love me .. so will she .. and probably that's why it hurts even more,it pains even more ...You made me a child again .. you gave me moments i had never lived as a teenager... you filled the void in my life .. and landed up having one created for you ... I loved to see you smile,see the mischief in your eyes .. and now i see pain and i am banished from helping you, due to my own faults.... maybe, The pain is the fee he charges me for the things he blesses me with ... believe me I would give it all back in one stride.. if only he gave me that choice ..If only.."

He turned towards his friends and told them that he valued them a lot and the fact lay that he knew that they would be there for him even many years down the line, probably that is why he kept them in the dark for sometime,dared to be away from them for some time...He told them that he would have no one without them left to fall upon to derive strength from, but he needed to salvage his pride,regain the strength he had lost somewhere in the line of fulfilling relationships... he asked them for some alone time ..... the horizon had been cleared and dawn was breaking in,he turned to the other side and closed his eyes to sleep, and there was one drop of tear in his right eye, maybe it was due to fatigue or maybe,finally that day he had cried.....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It takes a lot to write someones feelings down and reveal them to the world .... I did this on the behest of 2 3 people who asked me to vent out ... each suggested a different way ... I chose this one .... i would prefer if You treated this as just another short story based on an incident and leave it at that .... It's a request --- Descrying the shadows....




Awards


First for some  news ;)
I have been showered upon awards... :D 
First two from my new found Di(cess)...
1)The Million Dollar Friend award
2)The Blogroll Award




 here are the awards i received from gauri mathur :
1) Brillante Weblog Premio-2008
2)Lifetime blogger friend



Thanks the two of you for your appreciation.. I will soon be awarding them to others ... next post ... hard decision..(considering all blogs on my blogroll are a class apart)  :)
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Wednesday, September 10, 2008

I will love you...Come what may...

I wrote this poem on 14jan 2003... one of my earlier works... probably why nothing dark in it
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
I shall be there for you,forever and ever to come
To be with you always,to be not two but one
walk with you through lanes ahead dark and sly,
be with you through all your sorrows and strife.

We shall show the world,the strength that lies,
deep beneath our feelings for each other,in our eyes.
with the essence of each other,shall we live apart for a while,
but together in our hearts beating in unison,in our smile.

I have seen a life out there,free from care
filled with joys and happiness,and a lot to spare,
For long i have prayed,with only one thought in my mind,
A thought very divine,a thought "thou art mine".

With the fear of the world our steps shall not quiver,
We shall fall on each other through horror and rise,not shiver.
Aboard the ship of hardships shall we make a world,
A world Utopian,replete with love,OUR WORLD.

there is a promise,my love,I make,far away though we stay
My love, for you shall be always there,come what may.
For,O! My love!,What the wall of thorns to cross,
If the mere touch of thy lay across.

Sunday, September 07, 2008

Maybe that night...

This is a translation of a Hindi poem I wrote in May 2004 ...


Dusk was approaching the city covered by lights,

there was commotion all around, hustle in someone's mind.

Shadows cast by dark clouds encroached upon the sunlight,

as he kept walking on a path that had been nothing but unkind.


An ordinary man, he traveled on the less often traveled paths,

but his destination was in someone's arms, his love.

He took a detour towards darkness,to face the path's wrath,

as he could sense her fragrance from that road,feel her love.


Blinded in love,darkness tried but invain to be an impediment,

only to find his march getting swifter, and his breath quicker.

Then lightning struck, halting his life long journey in a moment,

It was not fear but the sight of a tear,the momentary glimpse of her.


The moon was now out in the sky, clouds had been banished from there,

the only noise that could be heard was of the silence that lay around.

there was a slight breeze,as their breath caused ripples in the air,

Frigid weather,the only warmth they got was from the heated ground ..


there was only one heart beating maybe,between the two bodies,

faith was flowing between them,the depth seen in their eyess.

filling each other in love's embrace, they sat beneath the trees,

with a haggard body,she placed his head gently on her thighs.


She played with his hair,talking not in words but mischievous signs,

hiding the plethora of thorns that lay pierced in her,under a smile.

He had always known her plight,knew she had endured great pains,

but he kept mum, to make the mesmerizing moment last for a while.


The last expression on their face was that of a contended smile,

as their heartbeats lowered becoming heavier in every breath.

I know not for sure, maybe some tears were shed that day,

maybe those few moments turned eternal,filling life's dearth.

maybe the hearts had succumbed that day,stopped beating,

maybe two souls had joined as one and left the world that night.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Kavita~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Shayad us raat ko....



Din ke teesre pehar ka anth tha, roshini se dhake us shehar mein,

charoon aur chahel pehal thi,shor macha tha kisi ke mann mein

aaftab chup raha tha,ghane baadaloon ki chaon mein

Ek umr lamba safar tai kar raha tha wo,nirdayi rahoon pe.

ek samanya rahi hi tha magar asaamanya raahoon pe,

manzil uski alag thi,door kisi ki baahoon mein.

Ek mod mud gaya vo,chal pada andhere ki oor,

Kareeb kahin thi wo, hawa ki lehron mein ehsaas tha uska.

Andhera ghana tha,par kab gavara thi roshni us ulfat ke andhe ko,

Uski dhadkannein badh rahi thi,kadamoon mein furti bhar rahi thi.

Achanak bijli kadki,aur uski dhadkan jaise tham si gayi,

vo saamne khadi thi uske,aankhoon mein nami bhi thi

mahtaab ab benakaab ho raha tha,shor bhi jaise sirf sannate ka tha,

pavan to beh rahi thi magar,sirf unke saansoon mein.


Ek dil dhadak raha tha,shayad do jismoon ke beech,

Ek vishwas beh raha tha,un aankhoon ke beech.

baith gaye pedon ke neeche vo,pyaar ki baahoon mein,

thaka hua tha wo,aur let gaya tha uski goad mein.

Khel rahi thi uske baalon se,aur baatein kar rahi thi nat khat isshaaroon se,

hasi thi khili hui thi chehre pe,kai chube hue kaante chupaye the usne aanchal mein.

Wo jaanta tha ki dard tha, chupa hua uske dil mein,

par kuch na kehna chahta tha wo,anoothe us ek pal mein.

Ek halki si muskaan aane lagi unke hoonthoon pe,dhadkanein ab bhaari hone lagi thi,

kuch ashq vida hue the shayad us raat ko,kuch lamhe ek sadi bane the shayad us raat ko,

dhadkanein duniya ke sitamoon ke bhaar tale dab gayi thi shayad us raat ko,

do roohein ek ho chod chali thi sansaar, shayad us raat ko...





Thursday, September 04, 2008

How do I stay alive???

All that's left of my heart beat is only a throttled breath,
An unknown inadequacy in my desires has taken birth..
With the fuel of aspirations,on life's path does man ride,
but the yearning to live itself seems to be beyond my heart's stride..

It's not been a wretched life,many wishes have been rendered,
but a prayer from within my heart always remained unanswered..
To make one smile it takes only a few beautiful moments of his life,
alas! the prayer of a smile was dismissed by the guardian of my life..

I had nurtured a dream in my heart,of us never being apart,
of holding your hand and walking undeterred on eternity's path..
We had trudged on many thorns too,faced many harsh weather,
But a sore spot on my own heart turned into our bond's cancer..

Day dreams, illusions and hallucinations fill the life i now lead,
To bear the pain of breathing,i get high on liqueur, pot and weed ...
If all my anesthetic attempts fail to relieve me, a poem for you I create,
When all fails as a last resort a picture of self in darkness, I incinerate

There are many patches of my life, to forget them forever i yearn,
The pain has filled in my veins, become a poison i cannot discern.
It's the blood flowing through the same veins that keeps me alive,
To be free from pain i need to cut my veins open,but then,
How do I stay alive???

This post is a transliteration of an original piece i wrote in hindi which is also published on this blog..

Zinda kaise rahoon
ek ghutan si reh gayi bas saansoon mein..
ek anjaani si kami mehsoos ho rahi hai armaanoon mein...
jeene ke liye tamanaaooon ki zaroorat hai magar ...
jeene ki tamanaa hi nahi rehguzar dil ki panahoon mein..

kai khwahishein puri hui hain meri..
ek iltija abhi tak namanzoor reh gayi..
hasne ke liye chand haseen lamhe hote hain kafi magar
hasne ki wo ek fariyaad hi ko ansuna kar diya hai usne..

tere saath guzar karne ki chah pali thi dil mein..
tere daman ko thamke safar tai karna tha mujhko..
paon mein kai kaantooon ke dard ko jhela bhi tha humnein..
Ek chale ne dil ko hi nasoor bana diya ulfat ka,kya karein...

ab mai khayaloon ki ek zindagi guzarta hoon..
jeene ke dard ko sehne ke liye khud ko nashe mein utaarta hoon..
nashe mein bhi saha nahi jaata to ek kavita rachata hoon..
wo bhi nahi sahlati agar to,andhere mein khud ki ek tasveer jalata hoon..

kai pehloo jeevan ke main bhulana chahta hoon..
un pehluon ka dard ragoon me bas gaya hai,kya karoon
ragoon mein bahta hua rakht hi zinda rakha hai mujhko..
ragoon ko kat nasoor ko alag karoon to zinda kaise rahoon...

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

The devil and Man's future

Also on Wordpress

A foul quiet shattered as the breeze filled the midnight with an eerie howl,
Both quiet and howl were deafening ,the land lay devoid of any soul.
The moon was at its full in the sky,it's light immaculate milky white,

Land bereft of it by such clouds,whose darkness was envied by the night.
Suddenly rose a pandemonium piercing the night,from a graveyard nearby,
His curiosity had landed him at the devils lair,else he would have passed by.
He was a man, one of the many few who had survived, quivering with fright,
As the tombstone he sat on,addressed him with a laugh filled with sadistic delight.

"Get up! Get up! You! You must be crazy,else how could you dare,
to trespass boldly into my territory,take rest in the Devil's own lair ?"
"For eons I slept ignoring thee but I am awake,and it's your fault,
Your own actions led to it, sealing your destiny,placing your fate in my vault."
"Your sins proofs have been recorded,your soul is now arraigned,
It's no use trying to defend your case,You deserve to be detained.
But I am bound by some rules of nature,I shall show you some mercy,
I give you a chance to convince me,why I should let you go,condone thee."

Man sought for his ego,thought with it he would speak loud and clear,
But all it fetched him was trembling feet, and words mumbling out of fear.
His hands unintentionally reached out for faith,reaching out for his cross,
In an instant his mind cleared,he spoke without fear of his life's loss.
"I have known no fear,have always endured all degrees of pain,
I have been a sinner of nature,but my sins were not of no avail,not invain."

"It's nature's law,there's always something to loose for something to gain,
I destroyed many, but you cannot condone that in return i too have been slain."
"The shift in balance of nature is by me,a consequence of my desires,my errands,
I have robbed many life forms of their homes,I have been the only brigand."

"The truth of my existence you cannot deny,You will it or not,I shall not die,
I have always been punished by him and we are his creations,both you and I."
"I have been a kaleidoscope of sorts and while I have sinned,have also realised it,
I have redeemed my actions, tried to mend things,even if i had to pay a price for it."

"I am a result of what i made myself, I am the creation of my own actions,
You may curse me, But tell me have i ever blamed God for my own destruction?"
I speak to you today boldly with conviction,One of a many few men who are alive,
no matter what the impediments thrust upon me,to survive i shall unfailingly strive"

The devil appeared as man's own reflection,the encounter a creation of his own introspection,
A regular exercise in the history of mankind,though he was unaware of it's participation.
He geared up for what lay in front his future,not dark,though not very bright,
Forgetting to leave behind a mention of the exercise,like his ancestors, in the night...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I hope that man for once keeps in his memory the hardships he has endured and come out of many times.He keeps it in his memory to ensure he does not again commit the same crimes..
-Descrying the Shadows





Thursday, August 21, 2008

you complete me

Every moment that passes by,
Holds your picture in my eyes..
The thought of you does not go away,
I love you, in my heart you stay…

O! my love , it was an Utopian life,
Free from discontentment and strife..
I still feel the soothing sight of your smile,
Feeling lost in paradise for a while..

I wonder, how you made me a child,
Brought out the mischief,let me go wild..
I had transcended many worlds with you,
Holding your hand, being replete with you..

Now it is me, and I am still standing by,
You are gone, have become an angel in the sky..
I know my sorrow still makes you cry,
It's still raining,your tears haven't gone dry..

I shall be happy,not let my promise break,
Find happiness, another bond I shall make..
But the inside of me shall never be replete,
Without you, my life's portrait shall never be complete..

Monday, August 18, 2008

The horrifying reality of Kashmir....!

Read this only and only if you can comprehend an India which is communal not by constitution, but by action.Read this if you have it in you take in the truth.Read this if you can leave aside idealistic thoughts and feel the pain of a people who lost their identity,else don't..it's a request.

The Amarnath Holy Cave

(Will Bholenath unite Hindus to uphold Indian Integrity!!)


“J&K on the edge”. “Jammu on the boil”. “ Paradise is burning”. “Who can stop this mayhem ?”. “Separatists on the rise in the valley”. “Situation back to 1989”…. . These are some of the responses of the visual media that tried to analyze the reasons that led to the agitation in Jammu and Kashmir region of the J&K state.

The visual media – in all their ignorance- swore by the ‘Kashmeriat’ and the ‘secular model’ of Kashmir (read Muslims); Kashmir was described as an epitome of secularism to be emulated by each and every individual and state of India.

The central government watched the fun for days end on and then came up with the age old escapism of ‘all party meet’ on the issue that had seen Hindus, for once, joining hands on an issue that threatened their very basic existence in the state; having gone through the trauma of the forced exodus of Kashmiri Pandits (KPs) from Kashmir valley and the Srinagar city. Ironically, not many of the so called educated and well informed strata of the Indian society (including the media) are aware of it even today!!! This ignorance was manifest – for a discerning audience- on the visual media.

The magnificent yet sick diversion was reduction of the problem to a ‘Law and Order’ situation and ‘communal forces (read Hindus)’ raising their head. The self defined and the self proclaimed ‘Hindu’ parties/sangathanas were appealed to by the self styled ‘secular’ parties to show restrain thereby meaning to rope in and suppress the peoples’ movement so that the ‘powers that be’ remain comfortable, while the very basis of the existence of the Union of India was being questioned.

The Mass Ignorance:

“Separatists on the rise in the valley”. “Situation back to 1989”…. These kind of responses are indicators to the ignorance of the media personnel who are to, by quirk of destiny and to the curse of our Motherland- communicate to the people of India and world outside the events in the J&K state and reasons thereof. Therefore a very brief introduction to the issue is in order.

§ Kashmiri Muslim community was never secular minded. This is clear from the fact that when Late Sri Sheikh Abdullah launched his political outfit, to fight what he termed as atrocities by the Maharaja on the people of the state, he named it Muslim Conference. The Maharaja ruled J&K state that had people of nearly all religions in it. Later on he was to change it to National Conference, on the advice of the then Indian National Congress Leaders.

§ Kashmiri Muslims’ political aspirations never saw them as a part of the Indian Union; they were always traitors to its cause. This is because the Late Sheikh Abdullah (even while he ruled the state) led a separatist movement and its goal was to cede J&K state from the Indian Union.

§ The year 1975 can be considered as a watershed in the Kashmir politics. The separatist sentiment, here-on, saw an organized effort well supported by the government agencies. The state’s Chief Minister was Late Sheikh Abdullah. Openly, his lieutenants used to tell Muslims that this was not the time for agitating and seeking of jobs, but to get organized for achieving the ultimate aim of Azadi; while the Government of India (GOI) remained a silent spectator!! For Secular Reasons???

The Seed becomes a Baniyan Tree:

The concerted efforts, over the years, of the entire state machinery culminated in the upsurge of the insurgents in Jan’90 with open threats yelled out to the KPs by the state-of-the art gun wielding insurgents during their processions and public gatherings, from the Mosques to either embrace Islam or face slaughter. This was preceded by the hijack drama of the daughter of Mufti Md. Sayeed, the then Home Minister of India. Ms Mehbooba Mufti is now the leader of Peoples Democratic Party (PDP) that until recently ruled the state in coalition with the Congress. The streets of the Kashmir region were filled with the vociferous and uninhibited demands for Azadi.

While the self styled secular forces (read central government too) called this naked aggression against the State of India as the handiwork of misguided youth, and one of the important reason meted out for the outburst was “KPs had grabbed all the state jobs”; the insurgents availed of this chaos in the Indian political leadership to fully entrench themselves-with all the ammunitions at their command- in all the nooks and corners of the Kashmir region. Leaders were kept busy with obtaining the release of Ms Mehbooba Mufti. The popular perception, though, was that the Home Minister himself had got his daughter kidnapped to enable the insurgents to comfortably organize their future onslaughts.

Azadi obtained in 1990:

Kasmiri Muslims used to openly warn the KPs that one day they will throw the KPs out of the region and the GOI would not be of any help to them. The other connotation of Azadi was an Islamic state (at least a region) where no other religious group would have any meaningful existence. So, their representative in the GOI, the very Home Minister along with a Prime Minister (who was more concerned about proving his secular credentials because he was in power with the support of a so called Hindu- read communal- party) Sri V P Singh, through their agent in the Governor of J&K state, Sri Jagmohan, planned the unprecedented exodus of the KPs from the Kashmir region of the J&K state. That most unfortunate date was 19th Jan’90. It was not unfortunate just because a sinister conspiracy had been hatched against the KPs, but also that the integrity of India had been compromised. Thus an Islamic region was carved out in a ‘secular’ India by the self proclaimed secular parties.

The then Governor of J&K state, Sri Jagmohan, did not press into action the state machinery & defense personnel to safeguard the KPs against the threats of the insurgents, but mobilized it to arrange their exodus!! The Kashmiri Muslims were to acknowledge this agreement later on and its execution by the GOI. They would taunt KPs about their nationalism and the Indian army. The proof of this sinister conspiracy lies, may be, in the following statement:

When Sri V P Singh was told that the KPs have been forced to flee the Kashmir region, the Prime Minister of India replied,” WHO ARE KASHMIRI PANDITS ?”

In nearly two decades since 1989, the exodus of KPs is the only political event that gave the Muslims de-facto Azadi; thereafter it has been only gun running and extracting millions of rupees from the Indian tax payer to amass wealth that was to change the face of Srinagar city and Kashmir region, and concomitantly give rise to the organized prostitution never thought of in Kashmir in saner times. During this time, jobs within the state dried up for the KPs and the whole community that once boasted of being a well to do middle class was transformed into a community of slum dwellers!! Hardly any Prime Minister of India visited those slums. The conspiracy against the KPs was so obvious that nobody in the government talked of rehabilitating KPs in Kashmir region while on the contrary plans were being flouted to settle KPs in concrete slums in and around Jammu city. Secularism was at its strenuous best because Kashmir had been Islamized and integrity of India had been compromised.

Therefore the vested interests – be they ‘secular’ or ‘communal’- claimed from the roof tops that peace had returned to the Valley and prosperity was on the rise now that the tourists had started pouring in once again. NOBODY TALKED OF KASHMIRI PANDITS!! This was the Kashmeriat they talked of; the secular character of Muslim they talked of; the secular credentials of the government they talked of.

Threat to Azadi!

“Everything was going on smoothly”; “elections were to be conducted yet again”; “democratic forces had gained an upper hand over the separatists”; “misguided youth was joining back the mainstream”. Claims! Claims!! & Claims!!! All over and over again; the Muslims sure were laughing all the while at their apologists. Yes of course, the KPs had been consigned to the dustbin of the Indian & the J&K history. They never mattered.

What happened suddenly (once again??)!! Again a sudden (?) eruption!! Again slogans of Azadi!! Why! Why! Why!! Again ‘misguided youth’ from nowhere!! “Again 1989” Tragedy or a Farce!! Wake up Media! Wake up!! Try to know & the understand history.

What is this Amarnath Shrine Board? Nobody ever heard of it before!! Who brought it into prominence??

“We are told there is this land row!! We are told that the J&K government passed a G.O. for temporary allocation of 100 acres of land to the Amarnath Shrine Board during the Amarnath yatra period only to be rescinded a few days later because the coalition partner withdrew support after being the party to the allocation decision. The coalition partner stated that they had done whatever they had because the government’s decision was against popular (read separatist) interest. These facts have not been denied by any political party in the state.”

The questions that arise are: 1) why should there be protest by Kashmiri Muslims for temporary allocation of land for a purpose?, 2) why land in Kashmir cannot be allocated for Hindus of Jammu to perform their religious activities?, and 3) is Jammu not part of the J&K state?

The Muslims and their political supporters (read all parties in Kashmir) have openly said that they have been facilitating this Amarnath yatra since decades so where is the need for some other body to take over and run the show. Remember one thing: the Muslim is not fighting because he sees a threat to his personal economy.

Muslims very well understand that Jammu is a part of the J&K state and therefore also understand that Article 370 is applicable to entire state. Under that Article only an outsider from the state cannot be given land, but the Hindus of Jammu are not outsiders!!

The singular reason is: that Muslims and their supporters see in this step an attempt by the government to de- Islamize Kashmir; to enable Hindus to get a foothold in Kashmir and this goes against the content of their de-facto Azadi and therefore there is intolerance to it. This was supported by their leaders (so called mainstream, hardliners/ doves etc.) when they stated that Muslims feared that allocation of land would change demography of Kashmir! Since when did land allocation to natives of a state change its demography!! The self proclaimed hardliners leader Sri Gilani is on record having said that the KPs would not be allowed to resettle in Kashmir and that they would not be tolerated. O! GOI O! Secular Forces! YOU DID NOT HEAR THAT!! Does the Constitution of India allow this kind of anti-national statement; does it allow treason (the Muslims) to prosper and nationalism (the Hindus/ KPs) to be crushed??

The Muslim Mind:

The disinformation game had been going on for more than a decade, post eruption of insurgency in J&K state, regarding the situation in Kashmir and the psyche of Kashmiri Muslims. The Muslims had a conscience role in all that, so everything was going as per their plan. The Hindus all over fell for this propaganda. All the efforts by the media to paint a ROSY picture of Kashmir and its Muslims, at the behest of their masters, were punctured by the pampered children (the Muslims) in no time. It was like a thunderous lightning that made its point with speed greater than that of light before their apologists could grasp the EVENT.

The Kashmiri Muslim knows how to bleed Indian nation and blackmail it from time to time. Muslims have always succeeded in extracting their pound of flesh from the GOI. They have fully utilized this ‘secular’ sentiment which they know is more for political gains. In 1990, GOI gave them a full, well fed goat to feast on (Islamic region) and here were some ignorant people trying to start undoing that! How dare!! Therefore, not an inch of land was to be parted with. Kashmiri Muslims know which side of the bread is buttered and therefore they will never allow their interests to be harmed. Hindus are welcome as tourists and not as residents. This is the political/social/economical/religious mindset of a Muslim. It is this mindset that has to taken on if Indian integrity is to survive.

The Hindu Response:

The Hindus, for once, responded appropriately and in time to the obnoxious demand of Kashmiri Muslims and their leadership. They have given Bandh calls that have been spontaneously responded to by the people; the Hindus were never seen so much agitated collectively since 1947 and this time around the reason is the very strong feeling of step-motherly treatment by the government to people who always stood for Indian cause. The Hindus of Jammu have not forgotten the forced exodus of KPs from the Valley; have not forgotten the apathy of the state and the GOI towards KPs. The Hindus of Jammu and the KPs are bound to resist the nefarious designs of the Muslims with an aim to succeed against them and reclaim the right of Hindus over Kashmir. Ms Mehbooba Mufti who until recently was part of an elected government had the audacity to say that the whole problem is due to Hindus in 2 and a half districts of J&K state. This statement of hers is proof enough of who does she, her father and PDP represent. They certainly do not represent Indian interests and yet are being touted by the vested interests as Indians. The issue here is whether in India Indian or Pakistani opinion should prevail? This is fundamental to the dispute. This is a fight between National and anti-National forces. The anti-National forces have supporters all over the country in various manifestations including the government agencies, so the Nationalist forces are up against a situation where the Nation is under sieze.

The Media Response to Hindu Agitation:

The media did not telecast for a long time the events in Jammu related to the land row, unless a protest was lodged and the media started responding, laboriously though. It was quick to point out how communal forces (Hindu supporters) were fuelling the agitation turning a blind eye to the fact that the Hindu masses (children / women/old/young) were crossing rivers like Tawi & Chenab to reach Jammu by defying curfew regulations. Media and the self proclaimed secular forces need to understand that Amarnath Cave Temple (Shrine) is not worshipped by Hindus because ‘communal forces’ are giving such a call. Hindus want to organize its own religious functions and that there is nothing communal about it.

Indian Flags are openly burnt everyday in Kashmir; Pakistani flags are openly hoisted in Kashmir; this all one sees in the background of the tamasha that Visual media do on the screen; the media do not show all this by directly focusing the camera on the anti-India event, but the Muslims strain hard to bring their activity under focus.

Instead of labeling the Hindu response to nefarious designs of Muslims as communal, the media need to ask the self proclaimed ‘secularists’ in the government & elsewhere as to why no action is taken on the spot by the security forces for the acts like burning of Indian Tri Colour? In any country in the world the person will be straight away shot dead or hanged in a few days time. The media need to ask why Mr. Guru is still not being hanged, instead of calling Hindu response as communal.

The media and the ‘secular forces’ need to understand the following:

If J&K state is an integral part of India then whatever has been happening in Kashmir for decades now cannot be tolerated.

Was It The Innocence?

The Hindus have united and the prayer is that they remain united. The fight against the anti-national elements is long and arduous, as they are supported by powerful people within and without our Union. Shiv Shankar Bholenath sure will impart all the strengths to its devotees to rescue its land from the usurpers and keep Indian integrity intact. We, the real Hindus, need beware of unscrupulous netas and others of their ilk.

For all that has happened till now and may happen hereafter, a basic question comes to my mind:

Is Ms Mehbooba Mufti so na├»ve as to first allow her party to be signatory to the decision and then retract on the count of peoples’ sentiment? PDP leader sure knows the pulse of her separatists – the Muslims- and therefore cannot feign ignorance on that count. Certainly she cannot claim innocence in the matter. She and her party is a willing political face of what essentially is rabidly communal, murderous and inhuman and anti Indian movement; GOI has been more than willing and enduring partner.

Therefore, Ms. Mufti, your game plan was to give a push to the separatist movement and it was easy for you because you were party to the then government of J&K state. If one was to analyze the role of Sri Mufti Mohd. Sayeed as Home Minister Of India and his frequent visits to the Muslim populated Jammu region of J&K state during the peak of insurgency & his absolute silence on the plight of the KPs and combine it with your nefarious role now then the role of PDP in the insurgency becomes quite clear. But you are safe Ms. Mufti because you are a Muslim and therefore you can be a traitor and yet get cover under secularism.

Certainly you and your supporters must have gathered funds in mind boggling figures helped more vigorously by the GOI and the ‘secular’ forces. You should have stored huge quantities of grains & other materials to sustain your secessionist movement and if you fall short of a resource the GOI will ensure that the Indian Army instead of fighting the secessionist forces till the end ensures free supply to your cadres because ‘secularism’ is to be upheld.

You thought you chose the right moment because political environment in Pakistan is changing and your supporters in there are firmly saddled in the seats of power. Ms. Mufti, my suggestion to you is that you need not go that far to Pakistan to achieve your goals; the GOI is right close by. Pakistan may not help you in achieving secession as much as the GOI and ‘secular’ forces will and in a shorter time.

The Kashmiri Muslims have always successfully fooled the Indian leadership; you know that Ms. Mufti & Late Sheikh Abdullah was master craftsman at that. You are now trying to do that, but Ms. Mufti times have changed because Hindus have united. Beware!!!


The above article is written by my father, but I stand accountable for everything mentioned in it and it's veracity