Saturday, October 04, 2008

Descrying the shadows of my soul..


Why is it said,"To err is human" ? Is it intended to give you a licence to commit mistakes,to take steps that lead to disasters ? We come across crossroads so many times in our lives and we always without exception know what is the right path,yet many a times we refrain from treading on it. The reasons can be many.They can be of avarice,of vanity,of weakness,of ego,of sheer lack of courage and pure selfishness. If you do not fall in this category and always choose the right path, I salute you, no sarcasm intended.I for one,do not.Period.

Why do I not? That is the question that has been plaguing me for so long now and I am yet to find an answer for it. I have often had sessions of introspection and yet have failed to construe the nature of my acts,the actuators behind them. I consider myself to be sane,mature and sensible and believe that I can think in a very resolved manner.Yet, I make mistakes, and I make them in no ignorance whatsoever. I portray myself to be a man of his principles and yet sometimes I have not acted by them. I hate hypocrites and yet I am one myself. Sordid? Yes it is. Does regretting those decisions and punishing myself for having taken them or publicly acknowledging my fault free me of my guilt? Does it lift a load of my heart? Does it purge my conscience? Does it undo what has been done? 

Then what does moving on mean in my life? What is it supposed to bring me? A false sense of satisfaction? Am I supposed to lie to my own self and live in a disbelief that I have been exonerated by my conscience? Am I supposed to revel under the fact that,those against whom I committed these sins never held me culpable? Does not being arraigned mean I am not guilty? Does the fact that the people i sinned against were my accomplice, reduce the burden? Lessen the sin? If no, then why is it that people tell me that,"You did not force it on her.You both wanted it, so what happened is not your fault alone."? Agreed, the decision was mutual, but where was my sense of arbitration? Where was my strength of treading on the right path? Who am I? Aspiring to be the perfect partner,how could I let myself be weak?Who am I ? A hypocrite? A selfish bastard? A pig??

I do not believe in things like moral victory and "at least you tried!". What are they? Explanations for my failure,for my weakness?We are supposed to learn from our mistakes as human beings,yet I committed the same blunder twice!! Am I even a human with common sense? I know what I am. I am just a sorry piece of work, who does not have it in him to practice what he preaches when he is put to test.Disgusting,it is and the fact that I live with it and carry on with everything else in my life as if nothing has happened... exasperating. Tell me, how does one find respite? How does one maintain his INTEGRITY? How does one look at himself without any feeling of shame in the mirror?Where do I find peace?

Those who know me and those who loved me (read the one's I pushed in to misery) always said that it was not my fault and I did what most of them would never have done and that in itself was great,righteous! Tell me,please,what did I do all that for? To show the world I am righteous? Who am I living for here? You,who are my friend,or You , who are my kith and kin, or maybe You,the one I love? I did it for myself and it is to self that I have to answer for my faults.

"You were only 15 years old!" What has age got to do with the fact that I let selfish desire to cloud my judgment ? Tell me, what has it got to do with my inadequacy?"You were weak then,already shattered and things just happened.It is understandable that you were not strong enough to take the right decision and even she tagged along out of her own will!!". Tell me, how is my weakness an explanation justifying my act? How does it justify me wrecking someone else's life,even if it was not intended? I was not 15 then! Please tell me,where do I find solace when I stand arraigned in my own court and judged guilty by my own soul? Where? and then Do you really think I deserve it? Do you really think I can trust myself to make the right decision the next time? To be sure of the fact that I wont wreck another life? Tell me, how do you expect me to risk another life? Why don't you understand that it is not I alone who suffers because of my weakness? Why ? Why ? WHY?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There hasn't been a single dear friend of mine, nor the ones who loved me deeply, to claim that they understand me,my inner thoughts and what I am. This post raises questions but they are rhetorical. I have never ever been blamed by anyone for the actions of mine I deemed wrong.In fact many did not even find them to be wrong and always told me that I was too concerned. I should move on. To them out there who care so much for me,I know you care and I don't say you are wrong. All I say is, You are not me? It is not my image in your eyes that gives me satisfaction or peace, though it matters. At the end of the day, it is me and my conscience alone that can decide for me whether what I did was right or wrong? Please try to understand this.Do not think that I do not value your advice or do not care for it.It is just that,they do not bring me the solace you intend them to bring me. It is I who decide whether my sins are worth the price I am ready to pay for them...

49 comments:

*~*{Sameera}*~* said...

Nice introspection.All I know is that what goes around comes around someday,that's God's justice.

descrying the shadows said...

@sameera ....

God's justice ... Somehow that doesn't appeal to me anymore .. sorry dost .. tu is gadhe ko samjha sake to samjha lena .. udhar rahega

•♥•♥Vicky♥•♥• said...

what you have written is what they call food for thought.

I see myself in the post.I ask same questions to myself.
We all make mistakes and sometimes we repeat them..coz we give into the temptation.
Moving on has never been the solution..it can take care of problem temporarily but can never make the thoughts go away.
What u should do is sort this out..what's troubling you??something done in past..well u can't change it..it has happened..Find a way to redeem what you have lost.You feel guilty and u need to apologize to that person. You should to do it ..talk about the matters u want to..don't just suppress those doing or thoughts.

i don't believe in god either.
haven't seen so can't believe.
take care and have kick ass party today.

Vinz aka Vinu said...

after reading your post the first thing that came to my mind was that 'i am not alone in this kind of breed'..

your article was a good introspection which i 'now' many of us goes through... what is right and what is wrong is a very subjective thing...

and like you said even i believe its only love and care of our close ones that they try to console us even if we are at fault..until and unless our conscience is satisfied with the justifications, peace will be mirage..!!

:)

Shruti said...

You sat down with yourself and actually tried to think over all those questions you've put here. You've realized your mistakes. Our mistakes are taken differently by different people. Its a difference in perspective Siddharth! And even I second you. People who say "move on" say that because thats the cliched suggestion.
You know your conscience better than everyone!! Try to find out the reason for your restlessness. And do not forget that you cannot change what has already happened!!
I won't say that move on but you can always move out of it!!
Peace Out!

descrying the shadows said...

@vicky ... apologies have been made .. and no you still don't understand what it is that will redeem me ... do you ? think about it .. what will redeem me ? I know what will .. and I am waiting for it

descrying the shadows said...

@vinz .. yes .. it is ultimately about our conscience and mine is waiting for something .. the event that will redeem me ...

descrying the shadows said...

@shruti .. thnks for those words dear ... we can move out of it but sometimes one has a responsibility .. relationships have a lot more to them than just being in them . even when they are severed some responsibilities are left behind ..

•♥•♥Vicky♥•♥• said...

so you are seeking forgiveness??

descrying the shadows said...

@vicky ..
No I don't need to cause they never judged me guilty .. I did .. you will have your answer as to what it is that will redeem me .. maybe that will be my next post ...

Richa said...

I really liked the way u have presented yourself over here.
All in all, no one is born perfect my dear friend, we all commit mistakes, there r times when we know tht we r makin the wrong choice, we r taking the wrong path , but sill we do proceed..
Mahesh bhatt defined it as "dil hai ki manta nahin"..
and it is all true- when v cry we cry alone..

thearmyguyspeaks said...

apologies have been made... but u aint ready to apologies to ur self and move on..
sumtimes there i no one to understand u and your thoughts...and for such times my friend..u need to be your own best friend...

u are admitting that sumtimes u give in and commit sumthings that u know are mistakes...that does not make u a hypocrite... think of this way maybe admitting truthfully u made is a mistake is ur principle ?? being true to urself.and not trying to fool urself on the reassurances of others as most of us do ...

preeti said...

Hi, Really nice read. Its the law of nature to always self-introspect and find fallacies. I do tat too. But well, come one, you cant be that bad.. Only if you dont really repent any action, which you think has caused others pain, meakes you a real mean person.
Each person will seek solace in venting out their emotions i something. Like, total surrender to mother, lying on her lap, or locking oneself in a room and shouting out loud, I scribble on papers, litereally a rigmarole, and finally get a bit eased out. You can try somthing of this sort.
Cheers :)

Kartz said...

Hmmm... My diary entry few months back was quite similar. Quite. Make that one "relationship" (forget how that went, though!). Otherwise, you have just echoed my thought, bro'.

In fact, now I sit with tht very diary entry... What is it that has creeped in? I won't deny. I have this ego about me that comfortably shielded me from repercussions. But later, on introspection, things came back to haunt...

I guess... Peace... Is an illusion for us. And we try to dwell in that illusion. For some respite... But in the end, the realization sinks in again. It's all a mirage...

I fail to recollect where I heard this... We live a relationship for our own selfish desires. We cannot be selfless. There will always be some way (which you realize in due course of time) that there is that bit of selfishness. In what way it tarnishes the relation? Time will tell...

May be I cannot answer your questions... And talking about you making the right decision again? Well, guess it all depends on how 'confident' you are. Yes, every step you take will take you back to 'those days'. I guess, it depends on how you have accepted all that has happened. I know... 'acceptance' is a big word.

Easier said than done, bro'... I put myself first. For all those introspections I made. For all the steps I decided to take... And wht happened when one of those steps failed or seemed to fail? Promptly switched to 'ego-field' mode and tried to grope for the illusion called 'peace'. And dwelt in it...

I meditate... Why? Again... To phase out all thoughts. I get this 'peace of mind'. Why? So that I can wash my hands over it all (a la: Pontius Pilate)

I wont be surprised if I did not give you *any* answer with all that. Sorry. May be time will reveal a lot more.

---
Was too late last night (rather, this morning!)... Had to crash bro'. In fact, woke up sometime back!

Peace. (Ludicrous, ain't it? Somehow, 99% of the time, I end it with this.)

Priya Joyce said...

Good question raised out there.

I will only say tat the quote "to err is human" can be only said only once or at most twice coz' if u don't learn from your mistakes then what is the use ...as to learn from mistakes is also human and even more human than to make mistakes.

Praveen said...

not many would ask such uncomfortable questions to themselves..good one man

Akshaya Kamalnath said...

The fact that you suffer within shows you understand and repent..yes you can't undo what you've done, but you can always make amends. I've somehow never implemented the 'moving on' concept myself although I claim to so I partly related to your post.

Cinderella. said...

A very happy birthday to one of the sweetest - truest ppl on blogville, I have had the chance to know.

May your life be filled with happiness - peace - contentment n serenity in its every walk.

Have fun dear.

Cinderella. said...

And sorry I havent read the post. will come back.
:)

Cinderella. said...

This post is spine-chilling and mind numbing. And I feel the ice so deep.

Which is why, unlike your frens, I have nothing to say. Coz what you;re thinking to yourself isnt wrong and is very natural....this is what comes out when all you are left to make do with is sit n ponder.


At times wanting to walk cz you're out to find destiny or walking cz you knw there's a destiny at the end of it...are things that dont matter at all. Coz destiny is a big mirage in itself. What matters is you walked.

Just dont give up yet. Whats been done cant be undone. Dont stop looking ahead, the roads are open.....just keep walkin.

Think Tank said...

I have no consolation to offer ..we are all a bunch of hypocrites ..we love we hate we cry we smile...and each of these things v do for our selfish selves pretending its for others Thats life bande and its not pretty ..u sin and u either justify yuorself ..or pretend it wasn't a sin at all ..few have the courage to atone and the courage is usually for their own peace ..always for themselves

Swats said...

The road to self-improvement is realization or awareness!
So u bang on target :D

Second- I completely endorse- to err is human..no im not justifying wrong actions or encouraging such behaviour but if u learn frm them n do not repeat ur mistakes then erring is justified..its more like a learning experience!

Self- introspection or setting aside time for oneself is a gr8 way of understanding oneself, discovering hidden potential, knowing wht u want in life etc etc..but too much of introspection only leads to hair loss :D

Keep up the good work moron :D

Cheers!

Akshaya Kamalnath said...

happy birthday...have a good year:)

•♥•♥Vicky♥•♥• said...

aur be cake kaate ke nai..
ek-do laat lagani padengi tereko tabhi yaad rakha karega..

descrying the shadows said...

@RICHA ..
the way I see it , it is this dil hai ki manta nahin which causes dard to dil and other people ... it is again an excuse ...
thanks for dropping by

descrying the shadows said...

@the army guy .. the hypocrisy lies in doing something against one of your own principles .. and yes even owning up to them might be a principle but then it is a different one
thanks for dropping by

descrying the shadows said...

@ preeti .. welcome here .. and its nt about how bad or how good one is .. it is about what he has done .. and what its repercussions were ..

descrying the shadows said...

@ kartz .. hmmm .. thts another big topic of discussion te mirage and the role of ego ...we shall discuss it .. and totally agree with that thing about selfishness

descrying the shadows said...

@priya joyce .. nice thought .. thanks dear
:)

descrying the shadows said...

@praveen .. thanks for dropping by and well I feel it is easy to pose the questions .. to answer them convincingly is what is difficult

descrying the shadows said...

@ akshaya .. My post is not about repentance at all ... it is about a void in my life ...something is missing in my life and I know what it is .. the day I find it .. I will be happy and will have my peace ..

descrying the shadows said...

@ cinderella ..\thanks for the wishes .. :D
and as far as the post goes ... what matters is I walked .. maybe yaaar but to me .. what matters is something else ... will write aout it in my next post ...

descrying the shadows said...

@akshaya thanks for the wishes dear

descrying the shadows said...

@think tank
Yes it is for my own peace .. because ultimately it is my satisfaction .. the catch is my satisfaction might come from someone else's happiness .. there is where it links ..

descrying the shadows said...

@swats
he he hair loss ..
i know that mistakes become experiences we are supposed to learn from .. but what happens when that first mistake leaves a lasting impression of pain on someone else's life ???

descrying the shadows said...

@ vicky .. haan be khaya tha .. magar sirf cake .. koi laat shaat nai ..

•♥•♥Vicky♥•♥• said...

bach kya kamine...mai hota to teri toot jaati ;D

Swats said...

Now I don’t know the magnitude of ur problem/mistake..so I guess the simple solution is to ask for forgiveness :P

descrying the shadows said...

@ swats .. nahi yaaar .. apology to maangi hai .. jawaab aata hai ki tune galat kuch nai kiya don't blame urself for it .. its nt the guilt tht eats me up .. it is the fact tht they are not yet happy in their life ... tht is my redemption ..

Ships said...

A real nice read... Lotsa rhetorics...

Things to ponder upon really...

Cheers!

descrying the shadows said...

@ships .. thanks and welcome here

Kartz said...

@Sid
Gladly... Anytime when you and I are 'vetti' online! :D

And another tithing from my grey cells- Life is divine chaos. Embrace it. Forgive yourself. Breathe, and enjoy the ride.

Just a random thought...

¢яŷştąŁ said...

You would love/like yor life more if you'd stop critisizing it.

=)

descrying the shadows said...

@ crystal ..
who said I hate life ?? I do love it ... I hate certain acts of mine ... not myself ...
thanks for dropping by dear

@ kartz .. he he divine chaos ... btw dude even chaos has some order to it
:P

•♥•♥[V]♥•♥• said...

something awaits you here ;D

http://smellofearthafterrain.blogspot.com/2008/10/kick-ass-award.html

jaldi aa jaana be ;D

hugs bro

ceedy said...

read thru the post and the comments...

will wait for your next post...

the only thing is you seem to feel that "you have done wrong"...will you do the same again?

descrying the shadows said...

@ ceedy .. if that is a question that expects an absolute answer .. it will be no I wont .. but nothing is absolute cause am not that strong and thanks for dropping by ..

ceedy said...

thanks for replying...I will follow up on your next post...and maybe comment on both together

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