Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Shadows of my soul descried... part 2


That day he parted ways from her. That day the structure of his strength gave up under fatigue. 5 years had passed since the day he had confessed his love to her, 9 since the day they became friends. He now needed support, having provided that to her for so long.... contd. ...

He had confined himself to his room, with his laptop being his only "Companion". He had friends and friends who were near him and were also very close to him. He had treasured them always and had been there for them. They were there too, always, with their hands extended out for helping him, but he did not ask for it. He did not feel that they would be able to help him. He did not doubt their capability to do it, but just that, having been with them for so long he knew who they were to a great extent and the manner in which they thought/responded over such issues. "Then what is the point in asking them for help when I already know what they have to offer and that I will not be contented with that.",he said to himself. He did not need advice, rather he did not need the generic advice people always gave him because he felt they never really understood anything about him. All he wanted to do now was have some fun in his life, a fun that had evaded him through his late teens and into his very early 20's. Life was taking its toll on him. His room was turning into a place he dreaded, home a not so desired place for him. He was getting tired of hiding his emotions, his state of mind from folks at home. He was slowly getting more and more petrified by the thought of spending time in his room, but still did spend time there as he found nowhere else to go. He would often take his bike out and go to his favorite road in the city, park his bike there and sit on it's footpath,alone, reminiscing about his life's past, looking at his present and wondering about his future. He would prefer often to be on that footpath than his home. 
He had changed his number the day he had parted from her and ensured that she never got it from anyone else either. He knew he could not stabilise if he did not get some time away from her. He needed the time to be strong again and then he could be there as a true friend with her(to be addressed as shadow from now on) forever. A few months passed and life took a new turn has he joined an IT firm in the same city as his home. He was career minded as well and could always keep his own no matter how down he was emotionally. He had learned to not let his emotional life affect his professional one and he often saw it as a gift he had received from the one above. Little did he know that life was going to hurl him into more murky waters soon. Little did he know that he would now drift on a path where he would soon forget to feel any pain of loss and slowly turn into a two faced personality, one who did not care and one who paid the price for the other not caring.

Merely 5 days since he had joined, he made friends with another girl( to be addressed as mishti from now on), they got along with each other like fuel and fire. They started going out, and had fun in each other's company. He intended to have fun and leave it at that and he chose her because he thought she would be the kind of girl who knew how to be in a "No strings attached relationship". Their friendship started growing soon, moving from being a cursory one to a real friendship. They would spend hours on the phone during the night and go to sleep while talking to each other. During the day they would be in the same office and evenings they would roam around outside together. They shared stuff about their lives with each other, though she held back quite a bit, but he knew over time that would be overcome, what he did not know was that one piece of information that was held back should not have been.

Things between them were almost perfect, with neither having to hold back anything or change anything in self for the sake of the other. She brought out the kid inside him, made him a child once again. He was smiling after a long time, he had someone with whom he could be his on self, who liked him for what he was, uninhibited, and also patiently heard him out whenever he was depressed and concerned about shadow. Almost 2 months passed and the time of her birthday came, and it was then that he fund from her that she already had a person in her life. He was taken back a little bit, but overcame it and maintained things with her. He was angered by the fact that she held back something so important from him. He was not inclined towards befriending girls with partners at that point in time. The reason being some cases where girls had actually become close to him, while he still maintained friendship. Maybe it was his absolute free nature or maybe something else but he always had a close shave and had managed to maintain a very good friendship with them and not hurt them. With a girl who already had a boy friend he knew things could get more complicated. He gave the whole thing a lot of thought and over few days realised that he was falling in love with her slowly and she was getting closer and closer to him as well. A few weeks after her b'day he left the firm to join another one in the same city, but their friendship continued till one day he decided to put a period to it. She came to meet him on the same road he liked and now even was her favorite. She was not aware of the turbulence in his mind and was left shocked at his act of severance, which came out of the blue.

A month passed from that day and he heard news about her not being well and an accident. He tried enquiring about her health, and respond she did. She demanded an explanation from him and asked him to meet her. They met in a secluded place where there would be no one who knew them, nor anyone to witness what could be an emotional outburst of an individual. She questioned his right to make an independent decision that involved the two of them. She asked him what he knew about what she had for him and how could he make assumptions. He told her his reasons and she told him that she could take care of their friendship and that such an act was uncalled for. He asked her,ifshe could really handle it and that he was into it and now and it would get difficult for him to be unbiased and unselfish. She assured him of it and they started again on a path of uncertainties. That day, his act of giving her control over his decision was the the second mistake of his life.

As time passed she could not control things as she started falling in love with him, till one day she was in love with him.This love of her though turned into a bane for her as she was now grilled by her own conscience for being in a place where she was involved with two people and further caught between the dilemma of " whom to hurt?". He understood her situation and often told her that she needed to decide and decide soon. He told him that if she left him then she could go back to being with her old one and not let him know what happened and ensure nothing ever happens again. The second option was for her to let her old boy friend now what has happened and call it quits. He told her often that she needed to pick between the two of them and often sat with her trying to help her find who would be the right one for her, trying to help her know if she really loved him or was it a mere crush. She was turning into a wreck from within and he saw that in her and told her to be quick in her decision making as it would only worsen things. This was the time where he was questioned by his own conscience. He had intruded another relationship and caused cracks in it, he had rattled the foundations of that one and he knew he was responsible for it. He knew all along he should not have resumed the journey with her, but he had. Maybe he was too weak to follow the right path or maybe he was too selfish. Either ways, the damage was done.

Time passed and then came a day where her boy friend found out what was between them by going through their chat conversations,and he too was broken. He loved her dearly and had never seen anyone else in his life. He depended on her, she was his strength. He had given a lot for her, been through a lot with her. She had always helped him had always been there for him as well. They were in love and now he knew that she was in love with someone else too. She was left between two people, both loved her, both ready to abide by her decision for her happiness without questions asked. As fate would have it, things only became more difficult because of that.There was a difference though, her old boyfriend had a condition that she should completely forget the other guy if she has to come back to him, while the later did not have such conditions. He always knew that she could never forget her first love. Things became complicated to an extent that everything seemed hopeless. Then came a day where he decided to end it and go out of her life. 

He knew that she knew that he would take care of himself and would not let his life get wrecked. She knew that he would be emotionally wrecked but he would take care of his career and his family and would later if not sooner find someone else who would take better care of him, probably. He knew that this was the very reason that would provide her strength to move away from him and go back to her old liaison. She told him,"The first time I asked you to come back, because I thought it would be good for me, Today I ask you to go because it will be good for you. I am sorry I brought this on you. I am sorry I wrecked both your lives.". their relationship ended on a not so sweet note but the emotion stayed on.She carried on with her struggle, trying to answer her conscience and punished herself to a life devoid of love. He changed jobs again, this time he moved into entrepreneurship and the time on his hands to think about his life reduced.He had started talking to shadows since a long time now as with mishti he had found strength again, but when she left he lost both his strength and his weakness. The second face of his character, the one who did not care took control of his life and he marched on towards fulfilling his materialistic dreams. His second face always had a smile, was successful, had many "friends", had a large social circle. His first one, his identity was subdued and suppressed, given a chance to come out occasionally when he had nothing to do with his life. He had closed doors to both friends and relationships. His first face was moving into hibernation. Slowly he was ensuring he was left only with one face, the second one, as he at least found momentary happiness in it. He knew it would be a shallow life, but he did not seek a deep one as the depths often culminated into abyss for him. He knew none would understand that, what ailed him was not that he could not have a relationship with those he loved, but the fact that those for whom he had the emotion of love were not happy, and it was their happiness that would redeem him, not apologies not forgiveness, their happiness alone would do it. For a relationships pyre does not burn the emotion out, like a body on a pyre is burned but its soul is left out.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

People often do not understand the difference between an Emotion and a Relationship. Love is an emotion that underlies relationships like "Mother-Son", "Father-Son", "Brother-sister", "two Friends", "Two lovers" etc.. It is the relationship that defines the limits of this emotion and its rules. An emotion has no rules, it does not see reason. It cannot see reason, that's why it is an emotion. A relationship requires reason, it requires rules, it requires a give and take equation, it needs compromises and adjustments but an emotion is free from all that. You love someone, you always love them, what changes is your relationship with them. Moving on is a term very often used, but people don't understand that it is applicable in relationships not emotions. Who says you cannot love more than one person? even if at the same time ? It is the relationship that you cannot have with two at the same time, where we go wrong is in setting those limits , defining those relationships. Every person for whom we have an emotion, has a distinct and equal place in our heart. It is the relationship title that adds the priority to them,  not the intensity of the emotion. This is what I have come to learn and believe over the course of my life. This ends the short story. A few wanted a happy ending.. I am sorry .. but this piece was not intended to be a romantic fiction, nor an outburst, rather a platform to convey that sometimes, no matter how sensible and mature we are, we make mistakes and as humans that is quite normal. What differentiates us is how we react to them, he we move on from them. Love is blind, the relationship is not. Many miss out on such things because of small or petty issues an the few who know how to conquer these issues often land up loosing the battle to fate. He knew the value of relationships and emotions yet lost them, but If you haven't lost it yet then please understand what it can mean, what it does mean and then see that you do not loose it. 





19 comments:

descrying the shadows said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
anwesa said...

well,the story was gud enuf.the new font was too small 4 me,plz chenz it if u can.
life's paradox-another title 4 d post.

swats said...

I think every experience- good or bad teaches us something

Even if it’s a traumatic break-up, a case of a jilted lover, unrequited love or even ur case…u only emerge stronger as a person..'moving on' is a cliché but thts the way it is…

As u rightly said, it’s human to err even if u consciously know wht ur doing is rong..

Wen sparks fly, wen the relationship progresses, wen u cant stop thinking abt sum1, wen u can b urself-compeltely uninhibited in the company of some1------its only human 2 get carried away

Btw Mishti reminds me of misti doi (calcutta’s meetha dahi) :)

And moron plz remove tht pic..i cant stop looking at u :P

descrying the shadows said...

@ anwesa .. is the font really that small ? I dunno, it looks fine on my system .. will change it though thanks for the info.
and good enough ?? I don quite understand what that means ... could you elaborate please

descrying the shadows said...

@ swats .. well it reminds you of that and it is also taken from that only ...
and as far as the pic goes .. it stays .. :P
and well yeah now i am blushing a little

Kartz said...

Strange, isn't it..? We see someone... Promise to ourself that we won't cross a line. As time goes... We gradually 'extend' that line (because then, the situation seems to favour us! Ooooh, am I the blessed one or what! Hah!), and keep extending it... To the point where we sit and rue why the hell we did something like that! Why go back on what we had supposedly promised ourselves... And when we cannot uphold a promise we make to ourself, how can we have the courage to uphold some else's...

It kinda (distantly) relates with the poem I wrote- Fate, and the fall. Remember?

I guess that 'extension of the line' principle underlines it all...

"For a relationships pyre does not burn the emotion out, like a body on a pyre is burned but its soul is left out."
--- wish ppl realise tht... And yeah, one shd treasure all the relationships they ve...

Well written bro'... Thought provoking. Guess we can add this to our list of pending chat discussions along with mirages et al...

Peace.

•♥•♥[V]♥•♥• said...

*Hugs* for the one in hibernation

so the second face is in driving seat.Hope he takes u on rollercoster rides.

baaki we will chat it out ;)

we have already talked about the emotions and relationships.
you know my take.

take care brother
ab jaldi se delhi aaja

Akshaya Kamalnath said...

Its sad in itself but coing after Part 1, its like more than one persons share of pain. Nice that you keep the emotion alive even if the relationship is severed - those lines were exceptinally true of life.

preeti said...

Beautiful. I totally agree with the way you view emotions and relationships. Neat work. and I would really appreciate if you change your template, like a light background, dark text. Reading such a nice story is kinda marred by the strain in my eyes. So read it in the comments column. good day :)

Priya Joyce said...

this luks so alive coz the emotions seem to just ooze out of every word ...i juss can't type in any more I am so very touched.

Praveen said...

so good to see u after a long time..
guess you poured your everything into this story..
was a great read man..
and sad too:(

rantravereflect/ jane said...

:)
It is the relationship that you cannot have with two at the same time, where we go wrong is in setting those limits , defining those relationships. Every person for whom we have an emotion, has a distinct and equal place in our heart. It is the relationship title that adds the priority to them, not the intensity of the emotion..

lovedddd those lines!
sighhh. HoW true..

I've been in this place, n i chose to 'move on'
but yeahh, it' sony the relationship that has altered: the emotion never dies..
we all make choices, n well, let's assume we made the right choices :)

loved the way ya put it togetehr..
heart -wrenchin n real :)

Keshi said...

I love wut Jane said! Spot on. Thats all I hv to say too.


Keshi.

Richa said...

i totally agree tht every story doesnt have a happy ending..
and as i told u even last time, i can relate myself with this one..
framed finespun..

:)

¢яŷştąŁ said...

A bit lengthy..but you're very genuine in what you write,I have to appreciate that.And you knw..I'm going to repeat things that people always say.."Life goes on!"..and you rightly put it up tht to "err is human"..so try living by it!
Thats hw the world is,you knw..and writing a thesis on sentiments never helps..nt that am being callous though

Tarun said...

great sid, looks like I have fallen back on even reading blogs, let alone publishing my infinite list of drafts...

long, true written in a free flow... good one mate... enjoy...

zor ka jhatka is a spark, for the future...

I rambled somthing like this over an year ago, and have no idea what it meant and keep wondering was it me ?

http://ramblezeus.wordpress.com/2007/06/26/change-barriers-and-freedom/

Chaggoholic.... said...

Hey nice fitting end. Liked the whole take on emotion and relationship. Noone has a clear answer on this but its good to see everyone tryin a way out....

For me my emotions still swell sometimes to put me back into my devdasical mode....

Keshi said...

and where r u sir?

Keshi.

Renu said...

good story, but I dont agree that the second boy destroyed her first relationship, any relation ship which is not strong enough will break...this type of incidences will always come in life where one meets a person..whom one may like or may be even the dream person, or better than ur life partner.....but it always depends on the people and relationships--how rooted and strong they are...people like this girl..who falls in love, while alresdy in a relationship are very fickle, as if she loved somebody really, she cud never fall in love again..I mean i cant understand how can u see two people in the same way..unless u arent sure of urself or ur relationship.