How do I stay alive???

All that's left of my heart beat is only a throttled breath,
An unknown inadequacy in my desires has taken birth..
With the fuel of aspirations,on life's path does man ride,
but the yearning to live itself seems to be beyond my heart's stride..

It's not been a wretched life,many wishes have been rendered,
but a prayer from within my heart always remained unanswered..
To make one smile it takes only a few beautiful moments of his life,
alas! the prayer of a smile was dismissed by the guardian of my life..

I had nurtured a dream in my heart,of us never being apart,
of holding your hand and walking undeterred on eternity's path..
We had trudged on many thorns too,faced many harsh weather,
But a sore spot on my own heart turned into our bond's cancer..

Day dreams, illusions and hallucinations fill the life i now lead,
To bear the pain of breathing,i get high on liqueur, pot and weed ...
If all my anesthetic attempts fail to relieve me, a poem for you I create,
When all fails as a last resort a picture of self in darkness, I incinerate

There are many patches of my life, to forget them forever i yearn,
The pain has filled in my veins, become a poison i cannot discern.
It's the blood flowing through the same veins that keeps me alive,
To be free from pain i need to cut my veins open,but then,
How do I stay alive???

This post is a transliteration of an original piece i wrote in hindi which is also published on this blog..

Zinda kaise rahoon
ek ghutan si reh gayi bas saansoon mein..
ek anjaani si kami mehsoos ho rahi hai armaanoon mein...
jeene ke liye tamanaaooon ki zaroorat hai magar ...
jeene ki tamanaa hi nahi rehguzar dil ki panahoon mein..

kai khwahishein puri hui hain meri..
ek iltija abhi tak namanzoor reh gayi..
hasne ke liye chand haseen lamhe hote hain kafi magar
hasne ki wo ek fariyaad hi ko ansuna kar diya hai usne..

tere saath guzar karne ki chah pali thi dil mein..
tere daman ko thamke safar tai karna tha mujhko..
paon mein kai kaantooon ke dard ko jhela bhi tha humnein..
Ek chale ne dil ko hi nasoor bana diya ulfat ka,kya karein...

ab mai khayaloon ki ek zindagi guzarta hoon..
jeene ke dard ko sehne ke liye khud ko nashe mein utaarta hoon..
nashe mein bhi saha nahi jaata to ek kavita rachata hoon..
wo bhi nahi sahlati agar to,andhere mein khud ki ek tasveer jalata hoon..

kai pehloo jeevan ke main bhulana chahta hoon..
un pehluon ka dard ragoon me bas gaya hai,kya karoon
ragoon mein bahta hua rakht hi zinda rakha hai mujhko..
ragoon ko kat nasoor ko alag karoon to zinda kaise rahoon...