All you do is talk all the way...

All you do is talk all the way...

You consider it a liability, object to be given away

make of it a burden,endorse it for just the right price,

wanting to shrug it off your shoulders,put it on display..

If the market is low, to dispose off,schemes you devise..

You make her a commodity,market her countenance

treat her inferior,land a blow to her self confidence..

take her for granted,make her pay for her acquiescence

do not see the love for you, exploit her patience..

You buy her for a paltry amount,redefine her identity

she holds on to you,while you destroy her individuality..

she takes care of you, your whims fancies and family..

she gives you the greatest joy,blesses your life with her progeny

She is the victim of your amorous desires,your brutality

you dismiss her opinions, thinking of them as only bumpkinly..

you fail to feel her pain, also add to it with your infidelity

deem her unequal,yet take pride in your child, her entity..!

Some of you are low life, deemed to be insane..

you use her, weather her out, then show disdain..

Humanity is far dead,you find a friend in propane..

she burns out in agony, cries but yet does not complain...

Today you raise hue and cry, over a skirt that's high

you sight it as heresy, even brand it blasphemy..

you show concern over her honour? What a lie !

you claim to respect her and brand her desire to be free as mutiny !!!

You christen her as a goddess, preach about her holiness

yet you  pay for romping her,crushing her flower,her purity..

you take from her love,pleasure,peace,joy and her kindness..

in return offer afflictions,impediments,cruelty;push her into obscurity...

I hear you talk today,I hear you talk about her..

I hear you preach, preach about what disrespects her...

I see you enforce rules, how one should be around her..

I see YOU call my intentions unholy, what one should feel for her ... 

I see you,the undercover pimp, telling me how one should live with her...

I know what lies underneath that garb, why you have donned them..

I do not care for you, who are you to dictate terms anyway...

I know you intend no good,All you do is talk all the way...

who are you to  decide my life,it's price,it's worth,it's duration

it's joys,it's freedom,it's dreams,it's goals..my ambition...??

Who are you,All you do is talk all the way...

How does your talking matter to me anyway ??

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The post comes as the outburst of a girl who has the spirit within her to fight this cruel world. People often talk about culture nudity, sex etc .. w.r.t the honour of the girl in our society ..!!! Nothing against that but what I wonder is ...? Is that all that defines respect,honour and pride of a woman ?? the purity of her body, her virginity ..??? In a society dominated by men and ill treated women ... I think it does ... and there in lies mans greatest hypocrisy...

The more I have lived in this world, the more I have come across incidents of atrocities on women/friends and I could not help but feel pain,disgust and helplessness... Why helplessness ??? Because i realised that even though I do not tread on the path, I will not be able to stop those along with me from treading on it ....  Burning brides, throwing acid on the face , treating them as slaves .. AMPUTATING not only their bodies .. but also their SOULS ...!!

I rarely express such views, If you ask me why .. I would not be able to give a convincing answer .. but I guess I should start maybe I change someones thinking and make them realise what they really are and hope that they change ... maybe when someones post affects me i should not stay quiet .. I should go ahead and further corroborate that post and support the cause

so this was the first attempt on that line ... 

Live Today.. not yesterday or tomorrow...

The following lines are inspired from a small piece I read on Akshaya's blog. 

I lived today .. like everyday ...
but life seemed to be better yesterday ..
I thought of living the future in a better way...
not happy with what had become of me today ...
I lay desolate,waiting for the end of the day ..
the clock stopped ticking ... and i lost track of today ....
time passed,  kept me unaware, at bay ....
Another day turned wretched when tomorrow replaced today

For I was still waiting unaware, for the end of MY TODAY

Ok.. I confess I am also a plagiarist. The concept was stolen from a dialogue in the Movie Kung-fu Panda.

The teacher says :" You are too concerned with what was and what will be. There is a saying,"yesterday is history,tomorrow is a mystery but today is a GIFt, that is why it's called the PRESENT" . Sorrow and pain are as much a part of life as happiness and love. The present is nothing but a culmination of the actions performed by me in the past and the aspirations I hold for the future,but in all this I tend to forget that there is one other thing, which when added fully completes the present. It is the moment itself  and how I live it. I have come to see them as different beings, each moment of my life that is, and I am their creator, their God. Then to make one of my creations pay for the other's fault or sorrow ? How can I let that happen? We have enough bad times in our lives, I am going to try to not create some more for myself by forgetting to live every moment in the present... What about you ????

What good a life ?, If filled with regrets.

These lines are a letter of advice to me by my dear father. I am attempting a translation here for the few readers of mine who do not understand Hindi. though this time it is just a translation in the form of a paragraph.. rather the gist of what has been conveyed above..

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dil ki baat waqt pe suno ...

(hear the voice of your heart at the right time)

Na karo dil se gila,
dil ka kya kasoor hai

Zamaane ke dastur mein
dil ka kahaan milaap hai!

Na suni dil ki baat
saath zamaane ke ho liye
zamaana kahin bichchad gaya
bus dil dhadaktaa reh gaya!
Dhadkane na suni maine phir bhi
zamaane ke khayaal mein, par
zamaana bekhayaal tha,
dil kahte kahte thak gaya!
Gair ke sawaal par
khud ko ansunaa kar diya
zamaane ke khayal se
dil ko rusva kar diya!
Waqt aise hi gujar gaya
aur zamaana badal gayaa
par, dil waise hi dhadak rahaa thaa
jaise phir mujhse kuch keh raha thaa!
Kyaa suntaa mai ab dil ki sada
waqt bahut nikal gaya thaa
zamaane ke khayaal mein mai
khud se be-khayaal ho gaya thaa !

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Do not blame your heart,what wrong has it done?When was it bound by the world, when did it adhere to it's conditions? Ignoring your heart, you tagged along with the world, a world which soon sailed adrift, leaving you with only your beating heart.Yet you did not feel the pulse of your heart,numbed by the desire to have the world's approval. "Alas! the world is not concerned", cried out your heart relentlessly, yet for the fear of what others would say, you shunned your own heart.For the sake of acceptance in the world you drove away from your heart.Time however passed,the world changed and you were still there in anticipation of others approval,only you were now wasted,weathered and tired.Now you started feeling a slight pulse and soon you could hear your heart loud and clear.It made sense to you,but it was too late,a lot of time had passed.In the quest of appeasing the world, your own identity,you had lost....

These lines convey a very simple yet a very often neglected point. We always come across crossroads in our life, where we have to make decisions based on either what we believe, our principles, our individuality and the world's outlook. I am not going to tread on which of the two is right. Whatever decision we take, should be made keeping in mind that later in our life we do not regret having done it.Today if we make a sacrifice for someone else, make it only if you are really a kind of a person who can bear pain with a smile for the sake of someone else.. Do not do it just for the sake of being considered great and kind.. For if your actions are not governed by who you are and what you believe in, you will lead a life filled with regrets .. and what good a life , what contending a life, how FULFILLING a life, if it is full of regrets..... 

Ek dua hai ....(a prayer is all that's left)

yet another translation of a poem i wrote 3 years back ... as usual its nt better than the original .. I have tried to maintain the intensity .. don't know how far i succeeded...

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I know not from where it comes,that which ails my heart..

I see no end to it,every passing moment further burdens my heart

the ground beneath seems to quiver,protagonist of my life has waned ...

the pot house fails to intoxicate me, my heart' cup lies broken, drained..

the objects of my eye's desires,rendered asunder by the flowing tears...

in shambles lie my hearts aspirations, lively no more,mere souvenirs

the carnivals in the skies have gone numb,a deafening silence fills the night...

the tales of my love now no longer blossom,darkness has killed the light 

Life's burning into nothing,ashes fly and flames rise as the harsh winds blow

the cosy warmth of my breath is frozen,the carcass of my heart is what glows..

my identity's lost,the shadows of the past usher in stealing the light of the day...

desolate,a prayer for her happiness is all that's left of me and my pain today.....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

EK DUA HAI....

Ajab yeh dil ki ranjishein hain...
na jaane kahaan strotra inka !
nahin bharta ji ab maikadoon se,
paimana khali pada hai dil ka.
Guzarte hue pal lagte hain bhari,
Jeevan ke safar ka anth nahin dikhta.
Kadmoon ke neeche rahein dagmaga rahi,
Apne saaki ka sahaara bhi nahin milta.
Aankhoon mein kashishoon ke ghere,
aansoon ban ab beh rahe hain...
Mann ki khwahishoon ke aashiyaane,
Jaane kahaan kho gaye hain...
Gardishoon mein chaye wo taaaron ke mele,
Sannate ki chadhar odhe gum ho gaye hain...
Meri ulfat ke wo rangeen afsane,
simat ke barkha mein murjha rahe hain...
Sulagte mere is jeevan ki...
ab raakhein udhne lagi hain...
Sard aahoon ki thithur mein
vo namm hone chale hain...
Saanson mein basi narm garmaahat,
ab khud mein bujhne lagi hai...
Rosandaanoon ke ujaaloon mein,
door tak andhere chaane lage hain...
Mere ateet ki parchaie mein,
ab merawajood mitne laga hai...
Mere dard min ab jo reh gaya hai baki,
wo sirf mere yaar ki salaamati ki ek dua hai......

 

Kaise main kahoon unse, tu mere liye kya hai.....(How do I put in words to them, what you mean to me...)

The poem below was written on 8th-Aug-2003 while i was in the train on my way to my University.It was the first time i was going there.

The poem is in hindi followed by a transliteration which will not be an exact one , for those who do not understand hindi...

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Kaise main kahoon unse, tu mere liye kya hai.....

Kaise main kahoon unse, tu mere liye kya hai.....

ek jalti hui lou, mehakane waali pavan,jeevan ki umang,asha ki tarang,

har dhadakne waali dhadkan ka karan, har khwahish har dua hai...

kaanton bhari sej,paon ke neeche bichi hui jalti raet,aansuoon ka umadata hua sailaab,

ek murjhayee hui aarzoo,ek sisakti hui just-a-joo,ek adhhori daastaan bhi tu hi hai...

Kaise main kahoon unse, tu mere liye kya hai.....

meri aankhoon ka noor,mere jeevan ka tassavur, man ki her ek aah,

meri zindagi ka ahem lakshya,mere jeene ki sada,meri prerna hai ..

ek pal bhar ka khwaab,bujhta hua chirag,ek tadap, ek aisi lalsa hai,

Jo bujhti nahin, thamti nahin, lakh jatan ke baad bhi,puri hoti nahin..

Kaise main kahoon unse, tu mere liye kya hai.....

Kaise main kahoon unse, tu mere liye kya hai.....

mere jeene ka kaaran,ya uske anth ka farmaan hai,ek aisi manzil,

jiski raah jeevan mein gunjaye maut ka aaghaaz ..bhi tu hi hai..

mere dard ka marham hai tu,aur khud hi dard beshumaar hai...

Kaise main kahoon unse, tu mere liye kya hai.....

Kaise main kahoon unse, tu mere liye kya hai.....

meri aastha meri tapas, meri khwahishoon ka mukaam hai,

vo aakhri aarzoo,vo nasha, vo ulfat hai ...jiska tu hi anjaam hai ..

Kaise main kahoon unse, tu mere liye kya hai.....

Ki duniya kabhi jaan na paai,kabhi samajh na pai;mera wajood hai tu...

ab paal raha hoon jis nasoor ko seene mein, ek aisi  dhadkan hai tu...

Ki dard teri judaai ka peete rehte hain.pyala khali hota nahin...

Ret samaan ungliyon se fisal rahi hai tu,tadap bhi meethi lagne lagi hai ab,

honthoon ko choone se pehle hi saki ke, chalak jaata hai pyaala khushi ke jaam ka...

tere se gila kaise karein...saki hamari tu jo nahin, sirf teri ek tasveer hai ...

Kaise main kahoon unse, tu mere liye kya hai.....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If people ask me does it pain .. I will say  yes it does...

If people ask me do I regret the pain .. I will say i don't...

Maybe I love the pain as well .. maybe love is not about good memories only .. maybe love is about the pain as well ..

it is about the bonding as much as it is abot the separation...

 that was the main theme behind this one .. and what is below is just a translation .. which I find to be pretty rubbish ... I guess found it too difficult to translate this one .... 

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How do I put in words to them, what you mean to me...

The flame that ignites my passion,a fragrane that fills the air,

my inspiration to live, my hope,you are the music in my life..

a bed of thorns, an interred emotion, a suppressed storm,

an unfulfilled solicitude,you are an incomplete story of my life..

How do I put in words to them, what you mean to me...

the radiance that lights my world,my life's snap,every thought of my mind,

you are the sole ambition, desire and inspiration that fills my life..

An ephemeral dream, a dimming lamp; an incinerating need,

consuming me,ushering in ashes of tempered dreams,making them rife

How do I put in words to them, what you mean to me...

you are why I wish to live,you are also why I slowly die

You are eternity but roads leading to you,under the watch of doom's eye..

your faith is what heals me,but the pain during the cure also takes my life...

an embodiment of my devotion,my penance, my prayers

you are the end to my means,my love,my last desire...

How do I put in words to them, what you mean to me...

The world could never comprehend,could never decipher; you are my identity

you are the breath that I rear,even though it's a canker in my heart..

I keep drinking from the cup of pain,but there seems no end to it..

only sand is left in my fingers,you are gone, and the pain feels sweet..

How do I put in words to them, what you mean to me...

the nectar of joy splashes of from my cup,while i "cheers" with you..

lips are left dry in anticipation..but can I complain.. ?

for my companion is just a picture of you....

 

Descrying the Shadows....

It had been a good Saturday for him, the meeting had gone well in the afternoon.Towards the evening he saw the two movies he had been waiting for since a long time.He always loved "Al Pacino", a big fan of his,he could watch any of his movies any number of times.It was around 1 am when he came out of the theatre.Bidding adieu to his friend he walked towards his other "love",his Karizma.There was a very pleasant breeze blowing carrying the smell of the land whose thirst had been quenched by the rains.He loved that smell,and the fact that he would now go for a long drive gave him joy.The joy though was not fulfilling,something was growing within him, making his heart heavy.He was trying to shrug it off,but it clanged on making him worse and worse.

He reached home after having covered 35 Kms in 27 minutes on his bike.He parked his bike slowly inside his house ensuring he did not disturb his parents who were asleep and went upstairs to his room,his room.. a place he dreaded, the thought of him having to spend time in it itself made him feel like crying, but crying was something he had forgotten to do for many months now.No,it was not that he did not cry, he did ,but within his heart,struggling to force the tears out,but they refused.They had dried up or rather had seeped deep into the abyss of his heart.As he opened the door and walked in,he lay his eyes on his saviour, his laptop!

He had over the last two years managed to use it as an instrument to handle himself,his emotions,his crazy thoughts.He managed to suppress them all by finding something or the other on his laptop to do,to keep his mind distracted,to keep his lighter side active,switched on.The two sides of him,the two faces, each meant to handle different facets of his life.He had created the lighter one to be able to pursue his career interests,he modelled it to have no space for emotions,no sentimental memories,no desirable human attribute in it,he had modelled it to be like a program which worked based on a set of given principles,inputs and parameters.He had created it ,to enforce a very fragile balance in his life,to wane out the influence of is "Darker side".

To his dismay he found that the net connection had been disconnected and due to the Ganesh procession the service would be down for another 24 hrs. TWENTY FOUR HOURS !!! he said to himself, as fear started to grip his heart again, bringing to surface the darker side.He lay down on his bed,facing the window through which he could see the stars and the friend who had been with him,through all that he had faced in his life, from the first day .There was something about his friend that he liked since he was 13 years old,he never could find out what it was. He couldn't care less as long as they, his dark side and his friend, were friends. He and his friend... THE ORION.

As the night progressed, the dark side had completely emerged and was in unison with the Orion.His past flashed in front of his eyes as a sequence of various instances being displayed so fast,that they seemed to be in motion.He remembered the first time he had read the phrase "Business Tycoon" in class 3 and how it had fascinated him ever since, sowing the seeds of his desire to be one someday.He always had faith in God and maybe it was his faith, or his intuition, or maybe his sixth sense, or maybe the fact that every horoscope reader, palmist and family guru predicted the same,that he believed he would achieve it.His faith had not been compromised.After graduation he immediately got an offer from a firm where he entered the field of Investment banking,learning about various markets along with some coding, but that he did not mind.He soon was recognised for his aptitude in the Field,his work being appreciated and duly rewarded within 4 months, in the form of a hike.Life was good,and then got even better with an offer from an ex-manager for joining his firm as a business consultant and a share in the revenues..He was almost a partner,already on the path to be an entrepreneur..! Life had rewarded him generously by giving him opportunities,surrounding him with great people who approved of him,recognised some skill in him.He had not been the "hard working" guy .. never,not in his studies,nor in his job, in nothing..though in his job he managed to do well without working hard,things there naturally came to him.

As he kept staring at the Orion, his heart reached out for him and cried out.."I don't want it! none of it! I can give it all up! I don't want to pay the price you have been charging me with. Please let me have my serenity in the future at least....I want my sanity,my innocence,my purity back. Give it back, give it back,back....".It was at that moment that he closed his eyes and saw the flashes of his past, the past of his darker side....... He saw all the efforts he had put in trying to descry the shadows, the mystery behind why the exist only when there is light? In trying to find an answer to why he had loved them ... why he loved even the pain he suffered for them ...Why they found serenity in him?, why he could not don his  contumacious, aggravating garb in front of them..? Why when he believed that people only made an opinion of someone based on what he/she show them to the world,did he show them his real side... Why when he truly loved them,did his fate not comply....???

All of a sudden amidst the flurry of questions, a picture of the center table whose broken corner stood as the momento of his anger flashed. He had punched it with his fists out of anger on his mom,.The redness on his knuckles was still there and a slight tinge of pain too.He saw what he was turning into.He saw how slowly he was distancing himself from the 8 people who were his close friends.How he was getting into more cursory friendships,with no personal strings attached.He saw how e was shying away from spending time with his own parents... He saw how he was loosing all he valued because of the rage that seethed within him,the anger that surfaced only in font of his loved ones,his parents.He saw the shame and the pain he felt after each outburst... and more so the pain he caused to them...He had always apologised afterwards...but that was never enough for his conscience.He saw how people at his work had liked him and often called him out,made him a member of their circle,even though he was 5 6 years younger to them... and he saw how he never got worked up with them...

That night he apologised to his friend and those whom he had hurt.. He apologised to his first love saying 

"I know you never held me responsible for anything, neither did the world, instead you have often thanked me for the way I have been there for you and so has the world .. but at the end of the day, I know i could not fulfil my promise could not conquer your fate, could not make true the dreams you saw for us... Everything else are only reparations, but you know as much as I, even if i paid them my whole life,they don't undo the damage that has been done...For the 8 years we spent in love and the next 2 as friends, I could manage to see you only 4 times in the last 6 years, and talk a few more times... I could not be there for you even as an ear, when you went through the most painful times... and I am sorry i could not fight all odds for you ..."

His eyes opened for a while and he saw his friend shifting towards the horizon and before he would leave he closed his eyes again..and begged forgiveness from his second love..

" Peach, you always told me that you loved me and will continue to do so,you told me to leave you for my good, you told me that I was not responsible for what happened and it was you who made the mistake... but I know i was at fault too.. I failed to be strong,failed to overcome my weakness and do the right thing at the right time.. I can't give that as an excuse to you ... so what if you made a mistake, why did i let you ... if i loved you ... and there lies my fallacy .. there in my crime... i self arraign myself ... judge guilty as charged... I can't even apologise to you .... I could have averted it all, all i needed to be was strong and I failed to be that and for that reason.... i don't deserve it anymore... for i was not able to fulfil the meaning of love .... I know you will always love me .. so will she .. and probably that's why it hurts even more,it pains even more ...You made me a child again .. you gave me moments i had never lived as a teenager... you filled the void in my life .. and landed up having one created for you ... I loved to see you smile,see the mischief in your eyes .. and now i see pain and i am banished from helping you, due to my own faults.... maybe, The pain is the fee he charges me for the things he blesses me with ... believe me I would give it all back in one stride.. if only he gave me that choice ..If only.."

He turned towards his friends and told them that he valued them a lot and the fact lay that he knew that they would be there for him even many years down the line, probably that is why he kept them in the dark for sometime,dared to be away from them for some time...He told them that he would have no one without them left to fall upon to derive strength from, but he needed to salvage his pride,regain the strength he had lost somewhere in the line of fulfilling relationships... he asked them for some alone time ..... the horizon had been cleared and dawn was breaking in,he turned to the other side and closed his eyes to sleep, and there was one drop of tear in his right eye, maybe it was due to fatigue or maybe,finally that day he had cried.....

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It takes a lot to write someones feelings down and reveal them to the world .... I did this on the behest of 2 3 people who asked me to vent out ... each suggested a different way ... I chose this one .... i would prefer if You treated this as just another short story based on an incident and leave it at that .... It's a request --- Descrying the shadows....

Awards

First for some  news ;)

I have been showered upon awards... :D 

First two from my new found Di(cess)...

1)The Million Dollar Friend award

2)The Blogroll Award

 here are the awards i received from gauri mathur :

1) Brillante Weblog Premio-2008

2)Lifetime blogger friend

Thanks the two of you for your appreciation.. I will soon be awarding them to others ... next post ... hard decision..(considering all blogs on my blogroll are a class apart)  :)

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I will love you...Come what may...

I wrote this poem on 14jan 2003... one of my earlier works... probably why nothing dark in it
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I shall be there for you,forever and ever to come
To be with you always,to be not two but one
walk with you through lanes ahead dark and sly,
be with you through all your sorrows and strife.

We shall show the world,the strength that lies,
deep beneath our feelings for each other,in our eyes.
with the essence of each other,shall we live apart for a while,
but together in our hearts beating in unison,in our smile.

I have seen a life out there,free from care
filled with joys and happiness,and a lot to spare,
For long i have prayed,with only one thought in my mind,
A thought very divine,a thought "thou art mine".

With the fear of the world our steps shall not quiver,
We shall fall on each other through horror and rise,not shiver.
Aboard the ship of hardships shall we make a world,
A world Utopian,replete with love,OUR WORLD.

there is a promise,my love,I make,far away though we stay
My love, for you shall be always there,come what may.
For,O! My love!,What the wall of thorns to cross,
If the mere touch of thy lay across.

Maybe that night...

This is a translation of a Hindi poem I wrote in May 2004 ...

Dusk was approaching the city covered by lights,

there was commotion all around, hustle in someone's mind.

Shadows cast by dark clouds encroached upon the sunlight,

as he kept walking on a path that had been nothing but unkind.

An ordinary man, he traveled on the less often traveled paths,

but his destination was in someone's arms, his love.

He took a detour towards darkness,to face the path's wrath,

as he could sense her fragrance from that road,feel her love.

Blinded in love,darkness tried but invain to be an impediment,

only to find his march getting swifter, and his breath quicker.

Then lightning struck, halting his life long journey in a moment,

It was not fear but the sight of a tear,the momentary glimpse of her.

The moon was now out in the sky, clouds had been banished from there,

the only noise that could be heard was of the silence that lay around.

there was a slight breeze,as their breath caused ripples in the air,

Frigid weather,the only warmth they got was from the heated ground ..

there was only one heart beating maybe,between the two bodies,

faith was flowing between them,the depth seen in their eyess.

filling each other in love's embrace, they sat beneath the trees,

with a haggard body,she placed his head gently on her thighs.

She played with his hair,talking not in words but mischievous signs,

hiding the plethora of thorns that lay pierced in her,under a smile.

He had always known her plight,knew she had endured great pains,

but he kept mum, to make the mesmerizing moment last for a while.

The last expression on their face was that of a contended smile,

as their heartbeats lowered becoming heavier in every breath.

I know not for sure, maybe some tears were shed that day,

maybe those few moments turned eternal,filling life's dearth.

maybe the hearts had succumbed that day,stopped beating,

maybe two souls had joined as one and left the world that night.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Kavita~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Shayad us raat ko....

Din ke teesre pehar ka anth tha, roshini se dhake us shehar mein,

charoon aur chahel pehal thi,shor macha tha kisi ke mann mein

aaftab chup raha tha,ghane baadaloon ki chaon mein

Ek umr lamba safar tai kar raha tha wo,nirdayi rahoon pe.

ek samanya rahi hi tha magar asaamanya raahoon pe,

manzil uski alag thi,door kisi ki baahoon mein.

Ek mod mud gaya vo,chal pada andhere ki oor,

Kareeb kahin thi wo, hawa ki lehron mein ehsaas tha uska.

Andhera ghana tha,par kab gavara thi roshni us ulfat ke andhe ko,

Uski dhadkannein badh rahi thi,kadamoon mein furti bhar rahi thi.

Achanak bijli kadki,aur uski dhadkan jaise tham si gayi,

vo saamne khadi thi uske,aankhoon mein nami bhi thi

mahtaab ab benakaab ho raha tha,shor bhi jaise sirf sannate ka tha,

pavan to beh rahi thi magar,sirf unke saansoon mein.

Ek dil dhadak raha tha,shayad do jismoon ke beech,

Ek vishwas beh raha tha,un aankhoon ke beech.

baith gaye pedon ke neeche vo,pyaar ki baahoon mein,

thaka hua tha wo,aur let gaya tha uski goad mein.

Khel rahi thi uske baalon se,aur baatein kar rahi thi nat khat isshaaroon se,

hasi thi khili hui thi chehre pe,kai chube hue kaante chupaye the usne aanchal mein.

Wo jaanta tha ki dard tha, chupa hua uske dil mein,

par kuch na kehna chahta tha wo,anoothe us ek pal mein.

Ek halki si muskaan aane lagi unke hoonthoon pe,dhadkanein ab bhaari hone lagi thi,

kuch ashq vida hue the shayad us raat ko,kuch lamhe ek sadi bane the shayad us raat ko,

dhadkanein duniya ke sitamoon ke bhaar tale dab gayi thi shayad us raat ko,

do roohein ek ho chod chali thi sansaar, shayad us raat ko...

How do I stay alive???

All that's left of my heart beat is only a throttled breath,
An unknown inadequacy in my desires has taken birth..
With the fuel of aspirations,on life's path does man ride,
but the yearning to live itself seems to be beyond my heart's stride..

It's not been a wretched life,many wishes have been rendered,
but a prayer from within my heart always remained unanswered..
To make one smile it takes only a few beautiful moments of his life,
alas! the prayer of a smile was dismissed by the guardian of my life..

I had nurtured a dream in my heart,of us never being apart,
of holding your hand and walking undeterred on eternity's path..
We had trudged on many thorns too,faced many harsh weather,
But a sore spot on my own heart turned into our bond's cancer..

Day dreams, illusions and hallucinations fill the life i now lead,
To bear the pain of breathing,i get high on liqueur, pot and weed ...
If all my anesthetic attempts fail to relieve me, a poem for you I create,
When all fails as a last resort a picture of self in darkness, I incinerate

There are many patches of my life, to forget them forever i yearn,
The pain has filled in my veins, become a poison i cannot discern.
It's the blood flowing through the same veins that keeps me alive,
To be free from pain i need to cut my veins open,but then,
How do I stay alive???

This post is a transliteration of an original piece i wrote in hindi which is also published on this blog..

Zinda kaise rahoon
ek ghutan si reh gayi bas saansoon mein..
ek anjaani si kami mehsoos ho rahi hai armaanoon mein...
jeene ke liye tamanaaooon ki zaroorat hai magar ...
jeene ki tamanaa hi nahi rehguzar dil ki panahoon mein..

kai khwahishein puri hui hain meri..
ek iltija abhi tak namanzoor reh gayi..
hasne ke liye chand haseen lamhe hote hain kafi magar
hasne ki wo ek fariyaad hi ko ansuna kar diya hai usne..

tere saath guzar karne ki chah pali thi dil mein..
tere daman ko thamke safar tai karna tha mujhko..
paon mein kai kaantooon ke dard ko jhela bhi tha humnein..
Ek chale ne dil ko hi nasoor bana diya ulfat ka,kya karein...

ab mai khayaloon ki ek zindagi guzarta hoon..
jeene ke dard ko sehne ke liye khud ko nashe mein utaarta hoon..
nashe mein bhi saha nahi jaata to ek kavita rachata hoon..
wo bhi nahi sahlati agar to,andhere mein khud ki ek tasveer jalata hoon..

kai pehloo jeevan ke main bhulana chahta hoon..
un pehluon ka dard ragoon me bas gaya hai,kya karoon
ragoon mein bahta hua rakht hi zinda rakha hai mujhko..
ragoon ko kat nasoor ko alag karoon to zinda kaise rahoon...

The devil and Man's future

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A foul quiet shattered as the breeze filled the midnight with an eerie howl,
Both quiet and howl were deafening ,the land lay devoid of any soul.
The moon was at its full in the sky,it's light immaculate milky white,
Land bereft of it by such clouds,whose darkness was envied by the night.
Suddenly rose a pandemonium piercing the night,from a graveyard nearby,
His curiosity had landed him at the devils lair,else he would have passed by.
He was a man, one of the many few who had survived, quivering with fright,
As the tombstone he sat on,addressed him with a laugh filled with sadistic delight.

"Get up! Get up! You! You must be crazy,else how could you dare,
to trespass boldly into my territory,take rest in the Devil's own lair ?"
"For eons I slept ignoring thee but I am awake,and it's your fault,
Your own actions led to it, sealing your destiny,placing your fate in my vault."
"Your sins proofs have been recorded,your soul is now arraigned,
It's no use trying to defend your case,You deserve to be detained.
But I am bound by some rules of nature,I shall show you some mercy,
I give you a chance to convince me,why I should let you go,condone thee."

Man sought for his ego,thought with it he would speak loud and clear,
But all it fetched him was trembling feet, and words mumbling out of fear.
His hands unintentionally reached out for faith,reaching out for his cross,
In an instant his mind cleared,he spoke without fear of his life's loss.
"I have known no fear,have always endured all degrees of pain,
I have been a sinner of nature,but my sins were not of no avail,not invain."

"It's nature's law,there's always something to loose for something to gain,
I destroyed many, but you cannot condone that in return i too have been slain."
"The shift in balance of nature is by me,a consequence of my desires,my errands,
I have robbed many life forms of their homes,I have been the only brigand."

"The truth of my existence you cannot deny,You will it or not,I shall not die,
I have always been punished by him and we are his creations,both you and I."
"I have been a kaleidoscope of sorts and while I have sinned,have also realised it,
I have redeemed my actions, tried to mend things,even if i had to pay a price for it."

"I am a result of what i made myself, I am the creation of my own actions,
You may curse me, But tell me have i ever blamed God for my own destruction?"
I speak to you today boldly with conviction,One of a many few men who are alive,
no matter what the impediments thrust upon me,to survive i shall unfailingly strive"

The devil appeared as man's own reflection,the encounter a creation of his own introspection,
A regular exercise in the history of mankind,though he was unaware of it's participation.
He geared up for what lay in front his future,not dark,though not very bright,
Forgetting to leave behind a mention of the exercise,like his ancestors, in the night...

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I hope that man for once keeps in his memory the hardships he has endured and come out of many times.He keeps it in his memory to ensure he does not again commit the same crimes.. -Descrying the Shadows