love , and why i shall never be out of it

Love, it is said is a very divine feeling and in the very short span of life that i have lived i have tried to explore this divinity and comprehend it's attributes. The process took a lot out of me, emotionally, and left me at a point where i was compelled to believe that, there existed no other entity in this world that could be juxtaposed with love and declared analogous to it. I attempt here to describe what i felt over a span of nine years, from when i was 13 years old till today when i am almost 22.
I started on my journey with no such objectives in mind, rather, these objectives were the culmination of the various deliberations I had, a few days back, in retrospect of my whole journey. I had stepped out on its path believing that it would be give me immense happiness, contentment, pleasure and nonetheless, fulfill all my moral and amorous desires without any conditions, without any changes needed, without any price being paid. The sham that I had nurtured in my heart regarding love was soon to be shattered. As time passed, I started feeling an addiction I had not known, for my love, that was soon to be followed by a sense of possession augmented with “self” as the only pivot on which all decisions were made. Blinding was the addiction and it caused an agony, great enough to hurt and shake the very foundations of my love. Then came a day when there was an uprising, a burst of emotion, from my love which showed me how I had digressed on to the path of vanity and greed.
The realization had struck and the outburst had fulfilled its cause, but the bond had not yet broken, for ego had been tamed. The catharasis of the relationship took me on a path where I had learned to compromise and adjust, for the sake of “having” my love. Here I use the word having, not desiring or possessing. The actuator now was not some form of an avarice rather the efforts needed to keep the relationship going, so that I could have my love. Time was flying smoothly and the bond was going stronger, with every day that passed, every fight we had and every compromise we made for each other. Two souls and two bodies were now truly becoming one thought and one “mind”. There was fragrance in the air as flowers blossomed in our lives.
Life, it is said, has its own incomprehensible ways with us. Tragedy struck and we were thrown asunder. My love was thrown in the fires of hell while I was kept safe, far away from the agony it suffered. It had not spared me, as I was rendered helpless and made to watch my love suffer. I had paid the lesser “price”!!! A maxi m says that we often appreciate the value of an entity only after we have lost it, in my case I believe that did not happen. I had always known its value. I had treasured it and fathered it like a child of mine, and yet I had been deprived of it, or as I had thought, then…
It was then that I had sought an answer to what love was and why I felt pain. Why I felt abject at the very thought of someone else’s afflictions. The most important question that lingered on my mind however was,”Why do I still want to be there for a person, for a relationship, from which I shall receive nothing from now on?”. “Why suddenly do I want to be altruistic towards that one person I loved?”. Put simply I questioned, why I decided to still be there, even when I would not receive any but would only give and in return suffer a pain that would slowly and surely take its toll on me. Why did I want to feel that pain, why, why, why???
The answer did come to me and with it came enlightenment. I realized why they say “we fall in love”, and why it is divine. The answer was simple… It was a relationship I had “made” which derived contentment from her happiness. I realized that, my love was not something that I wanted, desired or cherished, rather it was something I wanted to part with, and not with everyone but only with that special person I called my “LOVE” . I stand today not desolate or dejected at my loss but contented, with the resolve of being there for her, even though she would not be able to do the same, to ensure that she smiled, even though I would never be able to see it, to make her feel heaven, even though it would plunge me in hell. I now know, why my parents love me and take care of me, why my mother always fulfills my needs, even if they ask a lot out of her, why my father looks after me, even though half of the times I disagree with him. They love me more because I was the result of the bond they made on their own, their “love”…..and I would do all that for her because it was a bond that I made with her…..