Friday, June 08, 2007

love , and why i shall never be out of it

Love, it is said is a very divine feeling and in the very short span of life that i have lived i have tried to explore this divinity and comprehend it's attributes. The process took a lot out of me, emotionally, and left me at a point where i was compelled to believe that, there existed no other entity in this world that could be juxtaposed with love and declared analogous to it. I attempt here to describe what i felt over a span of nine years, from when i was 13 years old till today when i am almost 22.
I started on my journey with no such objectives in mind, rather, these objectives were the culmination of the various deliberations I had, a few days back, in retrospect of my whole journey. I had stepped out on its path believing that it would be give me immense happiness, contentment, pleasure and nonetheless, fulfill all my moral and amorous desires without any conditions, without any changes needed, without any price being paid. The sham that I had nurtured in my heart regarding love was soon to be shattered. As time passed, I started feeling an addiction I had not known, for my love, that was soon to be followed by a sense of possession augmented with “self” as the only pivot on which all decisions were made. Blinding was the addiction and it caused an agony, great enough to hurt and shake the very foundations of my love. Then came a day when there was an uprising, a burst of emotion, from my love which showed me how I had digressed on to the path of vanity and greed.
The realization had struck and the outburst had fulfilled its cause, but the bond had not yet broken, for ego had been tamed. The catharasis of the relationship took me on a path where I had learned to compromise and adjust, for the sake of “having” my love. Here I use the word having, not desiring or possessing. The actuator now was not some form of an avarice rather the efforts needed to keep the relationship going, so that I could have my love. Time was flying smoothly and the bond was going stronger, with every day that passed, every fight we had and every compromise we made for each other. Two souls and two bodies were now truly becoming one thought and one “mind”. There was fragrance in the air as flowers blossomed in our lives.
Life, it is said, has its own incomprehensible ways with us. Tragedy struck and we were thrown asunder. My love was thrown in the fires of hell while I was kept safe, far away from the agony it suffered. It had not spared me, as I was rendered helpless and made to watch my love suffer. I had paid the lesser “price”!!! A maxi m says that we often appreciate the value of an entity only after we have lost it, in my case I believe that did not happen. I had always known its value. I had treasured it and fathered it like a child of mine, and yet I had been deprived of it, or as I had thought, then…
It was then that I had sought an answer to what love was and why I felt pain. Why I felt abject at the very thought of someone else’s afflictions. The most important question that lingered on my mind however was,”Why do I still want to be there for a person, for a relationship, from which I shall receive nothing from now on?”. “Why suddenly do I want to be altruistic towards that one person I loved?”. Put simply I questioned, why I decided to still be there, even when I would not receive any but would only give and in return suffer a pain that would slowly and surely take its toll on me. Why did I want to feel that pain, why, why, why???
The answer did come to me and with it came enlightenment. I realized why they say “we fall in love”, and why it is divine. The answer was simple… It was a relationship I had “made” which derived contentment from her happiness. I realized that, my love was not something that I wanted, desired or cherished, rather it was something I wanted to part with, and not with everyone but only with that special person I called my “LOVE” . I stand today not desolate or dejected at my loss but contented, with the resolve of being there for her, even though she would not be able to do the same, to ensure that she smiled, even though I would never be able to see it, to make her feel heaven, even though it would plunge me in hell. I now know, why my parents love me and take care of me, why my mother always fulfills my needs, even if they ask a lot out of her, why my father looks after me, even though half of the times I disagree with him. They love me more because I was the result of the bond they made on their own, their “love”…..and I would do all that for her because it was a bond that I made with her…..



15 comments:

Madhav said...

Well expressed !..Love indeed must be unconditional inorder to be called so...Else it becomes mere business ! The selfless aspect of love is what makes it different and unique from all others !

Madhav said...

Watch out man ! You're turning into Sanjay Leela Bansali style ! Your rueful kind of narration gels well with your opulent nature of sufferings. Good poetry in work. But honestly there's need to adopt other styles. Things getting monotonous beyond a point ! I wish u write some escapist masala !

pourush said...

thts 'me' in a nutshell!!..i suffered/experienced/learned from the same fate you've put across..

an amazing use of the language, with a now seemingly obvious intention to mock at the reader's vocabulary, or the lack of it, coming out clear....job well done!..

Anonymous said...

i m speechless..din know one could pen down one's feelings so well..N ya the vocab's definitely a challenge..lol..but i am glad i understood them..jokes apart now tht u ve discovered the true meaning of love, i did be really glad if u move on in life..by move on i don mean forgo ur love...i hope u understand tht..guess u know who this is so i don ve to mention my name..

Anonymous said...

Good use of the language, really.. Content wise, u have brought out the selflessnes part of it well. Especially, in the way u realised citing the example of parents.

The content does go with the heading why ul never be out of love. But one small query.. Is it not a bit paradoxical? People talk abt not parting from loved ones and here u ve made a statement abt u parting from ur love.. Get it?
Ah.. Ok. Thot so. Now it makes sense. Tx for the clarification.

Otherwise, well expressed! My mistake, for a moment I was just concentrating on tht phrase forgetting wht u were expressing... Thts wht prompted me to ask u.

Shiv said...

Calling this blog well written would condemn this to a mere article. I see this as an outburst of emotion, unrepressible. There are two parts of me wanting to 'comment' right now. One says, grab him by his shoulder, and shake him well... wake him up and talk to him... i cannot nullify ur emotions, but i can lurk around, just in case. The second part of me wants to tell you that you CANNOT define, compare love. It is fathomless dude. It is all encompassing. What you had was a fraction of what one is capable of. What u have with ur parents is another fraction. Miniscular.

Shiv said...

The title is true... Cos, one can never be out of love... but is it apt? I ask this, what i read now is an outburst of somebody who has been suppressing a longing for something ungettable within himself. But this alone is not love Sid. I feel, we are too small to say, I love someone / something. Because, we owe our existence and the whole 'process' of living to love... Once u accept this, i hope u realise that the way to live is to look forward, with the same passion as we experience with someone special, things would be a lot more easier.

Camphor said...

Probably (to the never be out of it). Even if the feeling fades with time - that happens - I think that you've been marked so deeply by this that you won't forget.

A blessing, even if it feels like a curse. What is it that people say - it is better to have loved and lost rather than not loved at all?

Matangi Mawley said...

wow! u'r vocab.. is jst fab!!!!

i ve never really thought abt tht department.. so i wont do ne justice to u'r post by commenting on smething abt which i really don't knw anything.. bt i can say this..
u'r pen and u'r mind... they understand one another so well!

*~*{Sameera}*~* said...

That was so heartrending,coming from real life.

You write so beautifully,and have a very rich lingua franca.

aashi said...

The use of language is jz brilliant;)quite a thot provokin post..hmmm expressed urself really well;)

Swats said...

DEEPLY MOVING!
God bls ;-)
and I believe- 'we rise in love'

Nupur said...

Amazing post!!!! but somewhere down the line, I'll disagree!!!

•♥•♥Vicky♥•♥• said...

*hugs*

i can relate with each and every word you said brother

kahan tha bhai tu abhi tak...

Arslan said...

Very complex. Well put. But I still crave the complete two-sided healthy fruitful kinda love. Unrequited or distant love gets lonely.. :|