Descrying the shadows of my soul..

Why is it said,"To err is human" ? Is it intended to give you a licence to commit mistakes,to take steps that lead to disasters ? We come across crossroads so many times in our lives and we always without exception know what is the right path,yet many a times we refrain from treading on it. The reasons can be many.They can be of avarice,of vanity,of weakness,of ego,of sheer lack of courage and pure selfishness. If you do not fall in this category and always choose the right path, I salute you, no sarcasm intended.I for one,do not.Period.

Why do I not? That is the question that has been plaguing me for so long now and I am yet to find an answer for it. I have often had sessions of introspection and yet have failed to construe the nature of my acts,the actuators behind them. I consider myself to be sane,mature and sensible and believe that I can think in a very resolved manner.Yet, I make mistakes, and I make them in no ignorance whatsoever. I portray myself to be a man of his principles and yet sometimes I have not acted by them. I hate hypocrites and yet I am one myself. Sordid? Yes it is. Does regretting those decisions and punishing myself for having taken them or publicly acknowledging my fault free me of my guilt? Does it lift a load of my heart? Does it purge my conscience? Does it undo what has been done? 

Then what does moving on mean in my life? What is it supposed to bring me? A false sense of satisfaction? Am I supposed to lie to my own self and live in a disbelief that I have been exonerated by my conscience? Am I supposed to revel under the fact that,those against whom I committed these sins never held me culpable? Does not being arraigned mean I am not guilty? Does the fact that the people i sinned against were my accomplice, reduce the burden? Lessen the sin? If no, then why is it that people tell me that,"You did not force it on her.You both wanted it, so what happened is not your fault alone."? Agreed, the decision was mutual, but where was my sense of arbitration? Where was my strength of treading on the right path? Who am I? Aspiring to be the perfect partner,how could I let myself be weak?Who am I ? A hypocrite? A selfish bastard? A pig??

I do not believe in things like moral victory and "at least you tried!". What are they? Explanations for my failure,for my weakness?We are supposed to learn from our mistakes as human beings,yet I committed the same blunder twice!! Am I even a human with common sense? I know what I am. I am just a sorry piece of work, who does not have it in him to practice what he preaches when he is put to test.Disgusting,it is and the fact that I live with it and carry on with everything else in my life as if nothing has happened... exasperating. Tell me, how does one find respite? How does one maintain his INTEGRITY? How does one look at himself without any feeling of shame in the mirror?Where do I find peace?

Those who know me and those who loved me (read the one's I pushed in to misery) always said that it was not my fault and I did what most of them would never have done and that in itself was great,righteous! Tell me,please,what did I do all that for? To show the world I am righteous? Who am I living for here? You,who are my friend,or You , who are my kith and kin, or maybe You,the one I love? I did it for myself and it is to self that I have to answer for my faults.

"You were only 15 years old!" What has age got to do with the fact that I let selfish desire to cloud my judgment ? Tell me, what has it got to do with my inadequacy?"You were weak then,already shattered and things just happened.It is understandable that you were not strong enough to take the right decision and even she tagged along out of her own will!!". Tell me, how is my weakness an explanation justifying my act? How does it justify me wrecking someone else's life,even if it was not intended? I was not 15 then! Please tell me,where do I find solace when I stand arraigned in my own court and judged guilty by my own soul? Where? and then Do you really think I deserve it? Do you really think I can trust myself to make the right decision the next time? To be sure of the fact that I wont wreck another life? Tell me, how do you expect me to risk another life? Why don't you understand that it is not I alone who suffers because of my weakness? Why ? Why ? WHY?

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There hasn't been a single dear friend of mine, nor the ones who loved me deeply, to claim that they understand me,my inner thoughts and what I am. This post raises questions but they are rhetorical. I have never ever been blamed by anyone for the actions of mine I deemed wrong.In fact many did not even find them to be wrong and always told me that I was too concerned. I should move on. To them out there who care so much for me,I know you care and I don't say you are wrong. All I say is, You are not me? It is not my image in your eyes that gives me satisfaction or peace, though it matters. At the end of the day, it is me and my conscience alone that can decide for me whether what I did was right or wrong? Please try to understand this.Do not think that I do not value your advice or do not care for it.It is just that,they do not bring me the solace you intend them to bring me. It is I who decide whether my sins are worth the price I am ready to pay for them...