The last nail ... an adieu

It's been a journey in the true sense of the word, the last few months that is. During it's course I analysed my own self, understood the dark side that lay within me and worked towards freeing myself from it's clutches. I realised the need to send a facet of my character into hibernation, exile rather. The need arose from a simple revelation that I lacked the strength to uphold any form of new relationships and also that I was extremely vulnerable to making new ones as well. Prevention is better than cure; makes a lot of sense to me now, and hence I embark upon a rather "Long hiatus", where I shall put aside my emotions giving them an ample amount of rest. They have been at work for a really long time now. They need to be rejuvenated and as a prerequisite to that, they need to be rested.

For a long time now emotions have taken the front seat in my life and have modelled my personality in ways they deemed mandatory for being a good individual, a good partner. I guess it's time to put them in the back seat now and let the other side take control till the former gets enervated and the later has set my life on a track where I achieve my professional goals. It is not the end of the road for me or my emotions; just a sabbatical. A forced vacation in order to ensure no more mistakes are made either out of foolishness or weakness. The vacation deems of me to give up the media I have since a long time used for expressing my thoughts, my feelings, my emotions. It is time for me to end this side of my thoughts for a considerable amount of time and that requires of me to end this blog "Aggravatingly contumacious yet serene" right here. hence adieu.

Over the last few months I did make some good friends here in this virtual world, ones who gave me care, affection and more importantly their time. I am thankful to them and the end of the blog shall not have any bearing on that, for I do treasure them. For the other readers, it felt nice to read what all had to say about my thoughts, each one of my writings, which were purely a reflection of events in my life and not a figment of any imagination. Did it fetch me a solace ? No, but it fetched me perspectives and for that I am greatly thankful to all. The cocoon has been formed and hopefully what will hatch will be beautiful. I wish you all smiles in your life.

"Life is beautiful, if you make it for someone...

       Life is full of joys, if you give them to someone...

Life is all you will ever need, 

                              if you make that someone your life..."

                                                                                                                                 

                                                                                                                                   -Siddharth.K.Kaul

Shadows of my soul descried... part 2

That day he parted ways from her. That day the structure of his strength gave up under fatigue. 5 years had passed since the day he had confessed his love to her, 9 since the day they became friends. He now needed support, having provided that to her for so long.... contd. ...

He had confined himself to his room, with his laptop being his only "Companion". He had friends and friends who were near him and were also very close to him. He had treasured them always and had been there for them. They were there too, always, with their hands extended out for helping him, but he did not ask for it. He did not feel that they would be able to help him. He did not doubt their capability to do it, but just that, having been with them for so long he knew who they were to a great extent and the manner in which they thought/responded over such issues. "Then what is the point in asking them for help when I already know what they have to offer and that I will not be contented with that.",he said to himself. He did not need advice, rather he did not need the generic advice people always gave him because he felt they never really understood anything about him. All he wanted to do now was have some fun in his life, a fun that had evaded him through his late teens and into his very early 20's. Life was taking its toll on him. His room was turning into a place he dreaded, home a not so desired place for him. He was getting tired of hiding his emotions, his state of mind from folks at home. He was slowly getting more and more petrified by the thought of spending time in his room, but still did spend time there as he found nowhere else to go. He would often take his bike out and go to his favorite road in the city, park his bike there and sit on it's footpath,alone, reminiscing about his life's past, looking at his present and wondering about his future. He would prefer often to be on that footpath than his home. 
He had changed his number the day he had parted from her and ensured that she never got it from anyone else either. He knew he could not stabilise if he did not get some time away from her. He needed the time to be strong again and then he could be there as a true friend with her(to be addressed as shadow from now on) forever. A few months passed and life took a new turn has he joined an IT firm in the same city as his home. He was career minded as well and could always keep his own no matter how down he was emotionally. He had learned to not let his emotional life affect his professional one and he often saw it as a gift he had received from the one above. Little did he know that life was going to hurl him into more murky waters soon. Little did he know that he would now drift on a path where he would soon forget to feel any pain of loss and slowly turn into a two faced personality, one who did not care and one who paid the price for the other not caring.

Merely 5 days since he had joined, he made friends with another girl( to be addressed as mishti from now on), they got along with each other like fuel and fire. They started going out, and had fun in each other's company. He intended to have fun and leave it at that and he chose her because he thought she would be the kind of girl who knew how to be in a "No strings attached relationship". Their friendship started growing soon, moving from being a cursory one to a real friendship. They would spend hours on the phone during the night and go to sleep while talking to each other. During the day they would be in the same office and evenings they would roam around outside together. They shared stuff about their lives with each other, though she held back quite a bit, but he knew over time that would be overcome, what he did not know was that one piece of information that was held back should not have been.

Things between them were almost perfect, with neither having to hold back anything or change anything in self for the sake of the other. She brought out the kid inside him, made him a child once again. He was smiling after a long time, he had someone with whom he could be his on self, who liked him for what he was, uninhibited, and also patiently heard him out whenever he was depressed and concerned about shadow. Almost 2 months passed and the time of her birthday came, and it was then that he fund from her that she already had a person in her life. He was taken back a little bit, but overcame it and maintained things with her. He was angered by the fact that she held back something so important from him. He was not inclined towards befriending girls with partners at that point in time. The reason being some cases where girls had actually become close to him, while he still maintained friendship. Maybe it was his absolute free nature or maybe something else but he always had a close shave and had managed to maintain a very good friendship with them and not hurt them. With a girl who already had a boy friend he knew things could get more complicated. He gave the whole thing a lot of thought and over few days realised that he was falling in love with her slowly and she was getting closer and closer to him as well. A few weeks after her b'day he left the firm to join another one in the same city, but their friendship continued till one day he decided to put a period to it. She came to meet him on the same road he liked and now even was her favorite. She was not aware of the turbulence in his mind and was left shocked at his act of severance, which came out of the blue.

A month passed from that day and he heard news about her not being well and an accident. He tried enquiring about her health, and respond she did. She demanded an explanation from him and asked him to meet her. They met in a secluded place where there would be no one who knew them, nor anyone to witness what could be an emotional outburst of an individual. She questioned his right to make an independent decision that involved the two of them. She asked him what he knew about what she had for him and how could he make assumptions. He told her his reasons and she told him that she could take care of their friendship and that such an act was uncalled for. He asked her,ifshe could really handle it and that he was into it and now and it would get difficult for him to be unbiased and unselfish. She assured him of it and they started again on a path of uncertainties. That day, his act of giving her control over his decision was the the second mistake of his life.

As time passed she could not control things as she started falling in love with him, till one day she was in love with him.This love of her though turned into a bane for her as she was now grilled by her own conscience for being in a place where she was involved with two people and further caught between the dilemma of " whom to hurt?". He understood her situation and often told her that she needed to decide and decide soon. He told him that if she left him then she could go back to being with her old one and not let him know what happened and ensure nothing ever happens again. The second option was for her to let her old boy friend now what has happened and call it quits. He told her often that she needed to pick between the two of them and often sat with her trying to help her find who would be the right one for her, trying to help her know if she really loved him or was it a mere crush. She was turning into a wreck from within and he saw that in her and told her to be quick in her decision making as it would only worsen things. This was the time where he was questioned by his own conscience. He had intruded another relationship and caused cracks in it, he had rattled the foundations of that one and he knew he was responsible for it. He knew all along he should not have resumed the journey with her, but he had. Maybe he was too weak to follow the right path or maybe he was too selfish. Either ways, the damage was done.

Time passed and then came a day where her boy friend found out what was between them by going through their chat conversations,and he too was broken. He loved her dearly and had never seen anyone else in his life. He depended on her, she was his strength. He had given a lot for her, been through a lot with her. She had always helped him had always been there for him as well. They were in love and now he knew that she was in love with someone else too. She was left between two people, both loved her, both ready to abide by her decision for her happiness without questions asked. As fate would have it, things only became more difficult because of that.There was a difference though, her old boyfriend had a condition that she should completely forget the other guy if she has to come back to him, while the later did not have such conditions. He always knew that she could never forget her first love. Things became complicated to an extent that everything seemed hopeless. Then came a day where he decided to end it and go out of her life. 

He knew that she knew that he would take care of himself and would not let his life get wrecked. She knew that he would be emotionally wrecked but he would take care of his career and his family and would later if not sooner find someone else who would take better care of him, probably. He knew that this was the very reason that would provide her strength to move away from him and go back to her old liaison. She told him,"The first time I asked you to come back, because I thought it would be good for me, Today I ask you to go because it will be good for you. I am sorry I brought this on you. I am sorry I wrecked both your lives.". their relationship ended on a not so sweet note but the emotion stayed on.She carried on with her struggle, trying to answer her conscience and punished herself to a life devoid of love. He changed jobs again, this time he moved into entrepreneurship and the time on his hands to think about his life reduced.He had started talking to shadows since a long time now as with mishti he had found strength again, but when she left he lost both his strength and his weakness. The second face of his character, the one who did not care took control of his life and he marched on towards fulfilling his materialistic dreams. His second face always had a smile, was successful, had many "friends", had a large social circle. His first one, his identity was subdued and suppressed, given a chance to come out occasionally when he had nothing to do with his life. He had closed doors to both friends and relationships. His first face was moving into hibernation. Slowly he was ensuring he was left only with one face, the second one, as he at least found momentary happiness in it. He knew it would be a shallow life, but he did not seek a deep one as the depths often culminated into abyss for him. He knew none would understand that, what ailed him was not that he could not have a relationship with those he loved, but the fact that those for whom he had the emotion of love were not happy, and it was their happiness that would redeem him, not apologies not forgiveness, their happiness alone would do it. For a relationships pyre does not burn the emotion out, like a body on a pyre is burned but its soul is left out.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

People often do not understand the difference between an Emotion and a Relationship. Love is an emotion that underlies relationships like "Mother-Son", "Father-Son", "Brother-sister", "two Friends", "Two lovers" etc.. It is the relationship that defines the limits of this emotion and its rules. An emotion has no rules, it does not see reason. It cannot see reason, that's why it is an emotion. A relationship requires reason, it requires rules, it requires a give and take equation, it needs compromises and adjustments but an emotion is free from all that. You love someone, you always love them, what changes is your relationship with them. Moving on is a term very often used, but people don't understand that it is applicable in relationships not emotions. Who says you cannot love more than one person? even if at the same time ? It is the relationship that you cannot have with two at the same time, where we go wrong is in setting those limits , defining those relationships. Every person for whom we have an emotion, has a distinct and equal place in our heart. It is the relationship title that adds the priority to them,  not the intensity of the emotion. This is what I have come to learn and believe over the course of my life. This ends the short story. A few wanted a happy ending.. I am sorry .. but this piece was not intended to be a romantic fiction, nor an outburst, rather a platform to convey that sometimes, no matter how sensible and mature we are, we make mistakes and as humans that is quite normal. What differentiates us is how we react to them, he we move on from them. Love is blind, the relationship is not. Many miss out on such things because of small or petty issues an the few who know how to conquer these issues often land up loosing the battle to fate. He knew the value of relationships and emotions yet lost them, but If you haven't lost it yet then please understand what it can mean, what it does mean and then see that you do not loose it. 

Shadows of my soul descried... part 1

They had been very good friends for the last 3 years now and were only getting closer with every passing moment. Spending hours talking to each other on the phone was now a daily activity for them, a part of their routine. Ah! Those were the days of their sweet 16. Life seemed beautiful, almost perfect while they were making conversation. There was a certain innocence to it, the innocence of two 13 year olds who started on the path of being each other’s trusted companion, friend. It was the 5th of September 2002, almost 4 years since they had been friends, when he told her that her smile brought him peace like nothing else in this world and that he wanted to be with her, to make her smile, have his peace for eternity. “What?” was the reply that came and she kept the phone down telling him she needed some time. He was taken aback at what had happened and also agitated about it. She had been his friend, she had been the one who had changed him, taught him how to make friends, made him give up his hooligan ways, toned down his temper; she had made him a better man. He could feel the rush of emotions in his veins causing his hands to shiver. He waited for her call, with a plethora of thoughts at the back of his mind and emotions in his heart. After an hour she called.

 

“I am sorry for this. This should not have happened. I am really sorry. It won’t work out, our families, it will be very difficult. Please understand we belong to different religions and people from your side of the family have a lot of contempt and hatred towards people from my religion.” He told her that was secondary and could be taken care of and that all he wanted to know was if she loved him too, and would she be with him for his life. “Do you think your family will accept me? Do you think we will be able to make it? I want to be with you, but will it be possible? Please give it a lot of thought and let me know.” The conversation ended on that note, and he was left to think about all the questions she asked and ponder over them, he did not. He was blinded by his desire to be with her for his life and thought he would conquer all. He let his judgment be clouded by his greed for her and did not consider the impediments that would lie on their way. The time was the time to decide, because from there on their relationship would only grow deeper. It would no longer be friendship, it would turn into love and turning back from that would be harder. He brushed all these thoughts aside and convinced her that everything would be fine and they would make it together. There he made his first mistake, which would later on come back to haunt him. She had been an emotionally weak person and he set in motion a sequence of events that would culminate into a major emotional blow to her. He did not consider that. All that was in his mind was the aim to be with her for his life.

 

Times soon became rough for them and they were not able to talk to each other frequently and pretty soon came the time where he had to move to a different place for his studies. When he did, life became hell. They hardly could speak to each other, once or twice in 4-5 months. She was under a lot of stress as the matrimonial process had been initiated for her at the mere age of 17. He knew she needed him, but could not reach out to her as her freedom was restricted at her home. He spoke to his father about them, who was willing to help them out and soon became the best friend of their relationship. They met 3 times in the last 4 years of their relationship and spoke on maybe 19 20 occasions. Their love for each other had grown beyond limits, grown free from the pain of separation/long distance relationship. Maybe that I what meant to be “Soul mates”. It did not matter to him now, whether they would be with each other or not. What mattered to him was to see a smile on her face, that very smile which reflected in her eyes, which brought him peace. Then one day she called and told him that she was going to get married and wanted to meet him asap. He took the help of his friends to plan a school reunion, for making available to her a reason to move out of her house and thereby meet him. It was the last time they would meet. She asked him not to involve his father and that she would go ahead with it. She knew that her entering his life as his wife would cause a lot many of his relations to disown him, and she did not want that for him. She entered hell, leaving him behind. She paid the greater price as she did not get the one thing he got. Time to heal.

 

He looked back at the time when he had to make a choice, where he was given the same situation and he had decided something else. He held her face that day in his hands while she was crying, wiping them off her. This was the same girl whose smile could tranquilise him and today she was crying in his hands. His heart was sinking under the tears of his own eyes, as he did not let them out. He had to be strong for her. He decided that day to be there for her, even if their relationship would have a change of name to friendship. He decide to be her anchor, see that she stabilizes and finds some form of happiness in her married life. Fate can be cold, stone hearted and cruel to some unfortunate souls. Happiness eluded her, as she was now tied to someone who did not care much for her and thought of her as an object of pleasure for him and comfort for his family. She would rarely talk to him, telling him about the injustices being meted out to her and he would patiently listen and try to soothe her. He would advise her to keep her cool and work on it as it was a new relationship and it would take time. She would hear him and promise to act on it. They never crossed the line of friendship since the day she tied the knot, not even in their words. Then one day she told him that she was pregnant. He was taken aback. She was just 20. Things got tougher for her as the environment at her home was not conducive for her and she had complications in her pregnancy which used to constantly cause her lot of physical pain. He stood by her through all her turmoil, hoping that the new light in her life would usher in happiness and he would find his peace. The light came and it was a beautiful boy. He was happy for her and now hoped to see her smile soon. Smile she did a little, the first time she spoke to him, months after her delivery. While they spoke, he heard her baby cry and something within him snapped. His internal world came crashing around those cries. That day he parted ways from her. That day the structure of his strength gave up under fatigue. 5 years had passed since the day he had confessed his love to her, 9 since the day they became friends. He now needed support, having provided that to her for so long…

 

He started to look for that support, hoping it would bring him some joy and there entered a ray of hope in his life. Little did he know then that what was to come would only add to his agony, would put him on the path of his second blunder…. To be contd…

 

My second attempt at writing a short story.This story will have two parts pertaining to the two incidents/people/emotions that haunt him and the second story will end with what he seeks for his redemption.

 

Descrying the shadows of my soul..

Why is it said,"To err is human" ? Is it intended to give you a licence to commit mistakes,to take steps that lead to disasters ? We come across crossroads so many times in our lives and we always without exception know what is the right path,yet many a times we refrain from treading on it. The reasons can be many.They can be of avarice,of vanity,of weakness,of ego,of sheer lack of courage and pure selfishness. If you do not fall in this category and always choose the right path, I salute you, no sarcasm intended.I for one,do not.Period.

Why do I not? That is the question that has been plaguing me for so long now and I am yet to find an answer for it. I have often had sessions of introspection and yet have failed to construe the nature of my acts,the actuators behind them. I consider myself to be sane,mature and sensible and believe that I can think in a very resolved manner.Yet, I make mistakes, and I make them in no ignorance whatsoever. I portray myself to be a man of his principles and yet sometimes I have not acted by them. I hate hypocrites and yet I am one myself. Sordid? Yes it is. Does regretting those decisions and punishing myself for having taken them or publicly acknowledging my fault free me of my guilt? Does it lift a load of my heart? Does it purge my conscience? Does it undo what has been done? 

Then what does moving on mean in my life? What is it supposed to bring me? A false sense of satisfaction? Am I supposed to lie to my own self and live in a disbelief that I have been exonerated by my conscience? Am I supposed to revel under the fact that,those against whom I committed these sins never held me culpable? Does not being arraigned mean I am not guilty? Does the fact that the people i sinned against were my accomplice, reduce the burden? Lessen the sin? If no, then why is it that people tell me that,"You did not force it on her.You both wanted it, so what happened is not your fault alone."? Agreed, the decision was mutual, but where was my sense of arbitration? Where was my strength of treading on the right path? Who am I? Aspiring to be the perfect partner,how could I let myself be weak?Who am I ? A hypocrite? A selfish bastard? A pig??

I do not believe in things like moral victory and "at least you tried!". What are they? Explanations for my failure,for my weakness?We are supposed to learn from our mistakes as human beings,yet I committed the same blunder twice!! Am I even a human with common sense? I know what I am. I am just a sorry piece of work, who does not have it in him to practice what he preaches when he is put to test.Disgusting,it is and the fact that I live with it and carry on with everything else in my life as if nothing has happened... exasperating. Tell me, how does one find respite? How does one maintain his INTEGRITY? How does one look at himself without any feeling of shame in the mirror?Where do I find peace?

Those who know me and those who loved me (read the one's I pushed in to misery) always said that it was not my fault and I did what most of them would never have done and that in itself was great,righteous! Tell me,please,what did I do all that for? To show the world I am righteous? Who am I living for here? You,who are my friend,or You , who are my kith and kin, or maybe You,the one I love? I did it for myself and it is to self that I have to answer for my faults.

"You were only 15 years old!" What has age got to do with the fact that I let selfish desire to cloud my judgment ? Tell me, what has it got to do with my inadequacy?"You were weak then,already shattered and things just happened.It is understandable that you were not strong enough to take the right decision and even she tagged along out of her own will!!". Tell me, how is my weakness an explanation justifying my act? How does it justify me wrecking someone else's life,even if it was not intended? I was not 15 then! Please tell me,where do I find solace when I stand arraigned in my own court and judged guilty by my own soul? Where? and then Do you really think I deserve it? Do you really think I can trust myself to make the right decision the next time? To be sure of the fact that I wont wreck another life? Tell me, how do you expect me to risk another life? Why don't you understand that it is not I alone who suffers because of my weakness? Why ? Why ? WHY?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There hasn't been a single dear friend of mine, nor the ones who loved me deeply, to claim that they understand me,my inner thoughts and what I am. This post raises questions but they are rhetorical. I have never ever been blamed by anyone for the actions of mine I deemed wrong.In fact many did not even find them to be wrong and always told me that I was too concerned. I should move on. To them out there who care so much for me,I know you care and I don't say you are wrong. All I say is, You are not me? It is not my image in your eyes that gives me satisfaction or peace, though it matters. At the end of the day, it is me and my conscience alone that can decide for me whether what I did was right or wrong? Please try to understand this.Do not think that I do not value your advice or do not care for it.It is just that,they do not bring me the solace you intend them to bring me. It is I who decide whether my sins are worth the price I am ready to pay for them...

A widows plight...

It was a moment of great loss,her life filled with despair

He had departed from this realm,leaving behind an heir

The sindoor had been wiped off her,left was a pallid face..

while she could still feel his touch,his comforting embrace..

Her bangles were broken, but her tears were not wiped

she was stripped of all ornaments,while none saw the way she cried..

they made her don bleached apparels, immaculately white..

Tried to hide the darkness of her life under a garb, bright

A few days gone, the poor widow was made outcast..

cited as a bad omen, one under whose spell a life did not last..

She had refused the pyre, considering the future of her child..

Judging her act as selfish, the harsh society riled..

The caretakers of society failed to see her misery,her pain..

she appealed to the lords of the place for help,but in vain..

She had faith in humanity,lost belief in her being human,

In response to her cries and pleas for help,had responded none ...

Many sought her body,some laid eyes on her children too,

They deemed her fit for prostitution,and her children too

they romped her and her children,judged that to be her life..

For she was held responsible for the natural end of a healthy life..

Once in a while a benign hand reached out,only to be cut

How dare they break society's TRADITIONS, question the cult.

How dare they think of themselves to be more righteous,more humane

how dare they question our laws,brand our practices inhumane...

The poor woman died one day, and not a single soul cried..

she was already dead for the "society", civilisation's greatest pride..

Justice was blind to be righteous,but they turned it into her bane..

Where was the mercy,the kindness they preaced,where has it waned ???

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A widow... a woman who has lot her husband, her lover, the father to her children, her soul mate.. a woman who is emotionally wrecked .. and how is she treated by this cultured society..?? Made to give up all happiness and anything that could bring her a mere smile ??

How is her agony reduced ?? by treating her with such cruelty and discrimination that she becomes immune to it ?? I ask of the vanguards of our society .. where is thy humanity ..?Where is thy kindness.. to hell with thy ... where is your COMMON SENSE ???